I have so many things I want to say to you I don't even know where to start. I miss you, please come home. How the hell did this happen? Where are you, are you okay? Can you see me? I know you that you know that I love you but I have to say it again and again. Dad, I watched you die. I caught the vomit coming out of your mouth. I never expected this to happen. Since I was a child, I've been hyper-aware of your old age and mortality. I feel like once I truly started to not worry so much about you dying, and I thought "I have at least 3 more years, I can live my life." that's when you started to go. What kind of fucked up shit is that? I'm not blaming you I'm just disappointed in the universe for constantly throwing me under the bus. We were finally beginning to be financially stable again, I was planning a whole 80th birthday celebration for you, and I had so many things planned to make the last few years of your life amazing and memorable. It breaks my heart because we used to joke and I would tell you all the time "Dad don't go anywhere, I still need you for at least 3 more years till I graduate school." I feel so awful.
How in the world couldn't I see that you were dying? Thinking back it was so obvious that you were sicker than I wanted to believe. You've always recovered so well, and none of the doctors could give me a straightforward answer. I would've brought you home and gotten affairs in order much earlier on. I'm so afraid that you're mad at me. But I know you're not.
Truly dad, I just miss you. I miss coming home and you standing up to give me a big hug. I miss laying by your side and just talking about whatever we needed to. Thinking about your last few months, I would've done so much more to bring you joy. You used to tell me how your biggest regret was not being able to show your mother the renovations to her beautiful home before she passed. My biggest is now similar. It's not having been able to enjoy enough quality time together before you passed. Dad, I am so sorry.
You surrounded me with unconditional love all my life. You never hesitated to get me what I needed. Sure we've had our differences, but who hasn't? I promise you I will live my best life. I will get an education and succeed. I haven't told anyone this but when you were in the ICU at Good Sam, I went to the chapel, and I prayed. I prayed to bring you home and to be able to have a few more words with you. I prayed to my brother, my mother, my grandparents, and my aunt. I want to believe they heard me, and that you're there with them right now at peace. I guess I'll have to wait for my entire life to find out. When mom died everyone said she'd always be with me, in my heart. I never understood what they meant, but now I do. You're always going to be with me because my heart is a part of you, you are a part of me. I love you, dad.
