Ever since you were a wee thing you have always felt different. There was a spark inside of you, a flame that kept burning. Until one day it started to fade. You weren’t quite sure when it started to disappear, but you started to feel empty. And you began to question yourself, how might this have happened, or maybe you didn’t think about it at all. Sometimes you were better off ignoring the softness of your heart and following the more rational parts of your brain. Because, well, it is the logical thing to do. A way to preserve your rough exterior from the things that might hurt your delicate interior.

So, when did it all change? What was the turning point of your happy childhood? Or was it even happy to begin with? Maybe you have just repressed all the bad memories and dislocated yourself from the terrible things you went through. What’s done is done, the best thing is to move on. At least that’s what they all try to tell you, so you pull through.

In the night time, when you are all alone and you take out your headphones to finally fade into a deep slumber you start to think and imagine scenarios in your head. Playing out a film, hanging out with friends, enjoying life, spending time with a potential romantic partner, or having a sexual encounter with that attractive stranger you saw on the train. But somehow even with the imagery of spending a good time your heart is still in pain. The pain begins to numb and weaken but why was it there to begin with?

You had your heart broken before, not once; you’re not quite sure how many times at this point. So, you stopped developing feelings. You still have a lot of appreciation for love still and seeing others in love, even though you might act a little disheartened and annoyed, it fills you with hope. You hope that one day someone will fall in love with you and will give you the full commitment and care you deserve, because you have so much to give, so much love and care stored inside of your body. The shell of the person that you are, to the very deep core, is filled with warmth, so why does no one want it?

You’ve been called crazy, paranoid, odd, loony. The list goes on and on, but all the words always go back to being synonyms for “crazy.” You never really let it bother you — until your doctor prescribed you medication for “crazy.” Somehow that day you began to wonder if all that was said about you was true. Maybe when you blamed someone for being a liar you were paranoid; maybe all the things that went wrong in those pursued relationships were your fault- were they? Or were you right all along?

You remember when they called you ugly? There was an arsenal of names you were called by your peers. Sticks and stones might break bones, but names cause lifelong psychological trauma. At least that’s what you discovered years afterward. Sure, you might have cried about it, maybe even tried to alternate the way you look, tried every fad diet, every workout and every protein shake on the shelf to gain some sort of vague idea of acceptance. And even though you knew that you only need acceptance from yourself, the pressure for fitting into society's standards is always catching up to you. So it was time to try that detox commercial you saw. Maybe you should order it?

You recall elementary school, and middle school and even high school, when you were one of the smartest in the room. Your ego was a bit boosted because of the good grades and you felt like that was something to focus on- education. Because it was one of the things you could control, getting good grades. When you got into college, though, things changed. Since when did a teacher have the audacity to give you a C? Why did you get a B? And that 77 on a test? You started to feel like things were spiraling out of control. If you could not keep in charge of school work, the one thing you were supposed to be good at…what were you even doing anymore?

You have felt weak, and tired. Exhausted. Some of it might be from the lack of sleep, because you are motivated to get an A in that class, but you’re exhausted mentally. From all the thinking. You have developed plans. Big plans, from how to get perfect grades, to how to get the perfect body and your perfect partner. And you are not going to give up. You get motivation sparks, you have a solution to any problem thrown your way. But other days, you do not. Those other days you lay in bed. You talk to people, sure, but getting up seems like the biggest task; you’re glad you brought that big water bottle to bed because you didn’t have to get up for food. You knew that there was something wrong, but what could you do?

You remember the day the doctor gave you medication? Things started to get better, slowly. Your mom didn’t quite like you taking pills, especially because it was for “crazy” people. But she began to accept it more when she noticed the change in your behavior. You were becoming yourself again. The warm rays of light that came in the mornings started to bring you joy. You reached out to friends and went out with them to see movies. You told your teacher about your struggles with the class and asked if there was any extra credit, there was. You joined a health-based fitness group on Facebook and began to pay attention to your health, not always, though, because there’s a left-over pizza slice in the fridge, but you were trying. Not all days were good days, but it was better. You were getting better. You are better. You are better than the people who hurt you, stronger.

Eventually, you accepted that you were not the one to blame for anything, but it happened within a moment. You started to feel empowered, by everything. Your friends became one of your biggest support groups; they were before, but now that you have shared your struggle they have been even more helpful with trying to keep you from fading into a dark place. The spark that you thought you lost- it was there, it was still there. You started to feel again. You enjoy the feeling. Sometimes you’re not exactly sure what you feel sometimes, but the fact that you do- it’s exhilarating. Wonderful. And you know that while it will take time for you to fully recover from past traumas, you will make it. Because you are a warrior, even though you are ashamed to call yourself that and would never say it in public. But deep down you know you deserve that title.