It's been almost five years since my grandfather passed, and I wish every day he was still here with me. Here is a letter addressed to heaven, for him.

Dear Dida,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we didn't take more pictures together. I'm sorry I didn't visit you more when you were in the hospital. I was fifteen and foolish, convinced you were going to be fine and back home before I knew it. I was fifteen and getting involved with a boy who would soon become a boyfriend of two and a half years. I'm sorry I wasn't there to see you as much as I could because I didn't want to think it would be your last few months with me. I'm sorry I skipped out on trips to the hospital to go see a boy you never met. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I love you before it was too late. I'm sorry I had a sweet sixteen instead of spending more time with you. I'm sorry I was away when you finally left us. I'm sorry I brought that stupid boy to your wake. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye at your casket.

Now I don't want this whole letter to be about apologies, so I'll stop myself there. I miss you more than I could ever express. I miss your jokes, I miss your temper, I miss your morning crossword puzzles and afternoon walks. I miss your Yankee cap and plaid shirts. I miss your big nose and shoe box car. I miss hearing you curse in Croatian. I miss you driving me to practice. I miss hearing your jaw crack when you ate and that Heineken bottle you always had with your dinner. I miss your laugh.

I wish you were there to see me graduate high school, I wish you could be there when I graduate college. Are you proud of the woman I've become? Do you miss me? And the rest of us? I'm always finding coins and jewelry that you leave for us. I know it's you who leaves them, the same way you used to point out coins on the street and find jewelry in the weirdest places. Nanny misses you a lot, she's always talking about you. I'm sure you can't wait to see her again. She tells me to send you prayers a lot, but I know you're always lingering around in the house.

Did you know I still have a hard time eating butterscotch? It reminds me of you so much, all the times you'd pull that little piece of candy out of your pocket. And I still have all the Tinkerbell statues you've bought me, all on a shelf together in a row. The rose covered music box is still around too. One of your ties are in my draw, the gold one with little brown swirls, I can't remember if I ever saw you wear it but it doesn't matter because it was still your tie.

So Dida, I hope you're still watching over us now. I hope you're watching all the kids grow up and know how much we still miss you.

Forever your ruža,

Monika