This has taken a while for me to finally write about...It's not easy telling your own father that you basically don’t love him anymore. Dad, If you ever read this, just know that all I wanted was to make you proud.
Growing up, you were always there for me--so I thought. I grew up thinking you loved me and never wanted anything to hurt me. Boy, was I so wrong. The day I was born, you left me; you never really stuck around. So why was I so heartbroken when I was told that? You see, I was so little and thought that both parents love equally and weren’t supposed to leave. You were there for my first bike ride, my first loose tooth, my first words; but you weren’t there for what truly mattered.
I would say you weren’t there for my first heartbreak, but you were. You broke my heart before any guy ever had the chance to. I grew up with you in and out of my life that I didn't know the difference. Around my 9th birthday party, you took off to go handle your drug addiction. You always loved the parties and drugs more than me, and that's something I never understood. I was asked what I wanted for my birthday- my answer was you... I wanted a family back; but that would never happen.
I then was slowly forgetting about you. Through all my life until a year ago, I received your letters from jail, rehab, wherever you were. I used to write you back, begging you to please come back and be normal again. Around 5th grade... I lost who I truly was. I lost all motivation for school and didn't ever want to be around my friends. There were father-daughter dances, and banquets and events. All my friends would be mad that I wasn't going... But they never understood. I couldn't run home from school and hug my dad and tell him about my day. I had to wait for a collect call, or a letter from you.
No one understands the pain that I went through everyday over you. My grades dropped - along with my motivation to even do anything. I spent nights crying over you, looking at pictures, hoping maybe... Just maybe, you’d be back. What I wish I would have told myself is that you weren’t coming back -- and I should be happy. I grew up teaching myself and protecting myself, things you should have been doing. My first heartbreak -- well... My actual love life one - I didn’t know what to do. You were supposed to be the one who held me and told me you’d beat him up for breaking my heart. Instead... I spent months recovering and wondering why I wasn’t worthy. I blame myself everyday for thinking a guy will never stay in my life because even my father left me.
You see, what you did didn’t just fade away. I still hope you're doing well, I haven’t heard from you in years. I guess that's good in my part, but I just wish I knew what I did wrong to make you get up and leave.
I’m sorry if I did something wrong, or even said something wrong. I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough for you, all I wanted was to make you proud. I’m doing well now... I wish you saw. Maybe then I’d finally make you proud...
Love,
The Daughter You Never Loved.
