Dear Momma,
We have both come a long way. I just want to say first, I do love you. I do not like you, but I do love you. We have been through hard, rough and seemingly unbearable times. We both have struggled with a lot, mostly at the expense of the other. I will never take away everything you have gone through in your childhood and your adulthood, but you have to know, when you got sick, I lost a mother. I do not blame you for getting sick because that is out of your control. I just want you to know it has affected me, too. I hated the woman you became because of your mental illness, but I know it was harder for you to deal with a child who was unrelenting.
I am writing this letter to tell you I love you, and I am sorry for the additional pain I caused you. I am trying to be a better person for you and myself. Honestly, I do not want to end up like you in your present state. However, I would love to end up being the woman you imagined for yourself at my age and hopefully the type of woman you imagine me to be, as well.
I do not know if this will make any sense to you, but I am writing this mostly for myself and so I can move on and figure out what to do with my life. You constantly ask me what am I going to do when I am done with college, where am I going to go, who am I going date or get married to. Momma, I need to figure this all out for myself, and I am sorry, but I have none of the answers. I really wish I did. Momma, I am so lost, just like you, but I am trying. I am trying so hard, just please have patience with me and my life's progression.
The same pain and illness that plagues you is sickening me, too. I am sad, but I am fighting, You have given up the fight and have given in to your fears. I want to fight. I know I deserve to be happy, especially after all the pain we have been through. I want you to start fighting again, Momma. I need you to fight for yourself and happiness. I love you too much to see you waste away.
I know for a fact you will not understand what I am saying to you, or even get the chance to read this, but Momma, I wish you could. I miss you, and I want to be able to have my mother survive through her own mind, so I can have faith to fight mine. I do love you, Momma. I want more for the both of us, but I know we can only obtain so much. All in all, thank you for doing what you could do for me and my sister.
Sincerely,
Deirdre
