I have never truly experienced grief until now. Grief is something that you think you know what it will feel like. I sure didn't. I didn't know that grief is a full body experience. I lost my dad a little under two weeks ago. A little over two years ago, I went through one of the hardest mental spaces that my mind had ever been in. I was so sad and so lonely, and I didn't know how to talk about it. Have you ever known something was wrong but couldn't talk about what was wrong because you didn't even know yourself? That was every single day for me for weeks. I wasn't experiencing grief then, though. I was going through a rough time trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Now, I'm experiencing a loss so large that I don't know how to deal with it.
I've never been one to settle. I always find new things to learn about or go to school for. My family and friends joke around about how I have been to college for so many different things, and honestly, I still don't know that I've figured it out. Then, my dad was here and was one to check in often to see how I was doing or coming to my home to give me a hug. He just knew when I was down, and I never figured out how he just knew. Now, my dad has passed on. Now, things are so much different, and I still haven't found any sort of footing since he's been gone.
Grief has shaken me to my core. Grief isn't something that is just a feeling. It is mental, physical, and spiritual all at once. My body has been so tired and most days i don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings. I ache in my chest when I feel the loss of him creeping in, so intense that it hurts. I find that my stress level is higher, and my social battery is significantly lower. Mentally, I'm equally as exhausted. I go some days where I think about him and it's at least somewhat bearable. But more often than not, I find myself staring into nothingness thinking about him and the things we used to do together. Everywhere is a reminder that the world is just the same as before. My world though, is nothing close to the same. Spiritually, I still feel him in everything. I don't know how to explain that, because I don't even understand it myself.
I miss my father more than anything and I am struggling. Nothing I've ever learned taught me how to go through loss or how to cope from something like this. I'll just keep taking it one day at a time until these broken pieces seem to be a little less broken.