Hi,

I haven’t talked to you in over 2 years now. It doesn’t surprise me though, so much has changed since then. I moved schools, I’ve had a different relationship, I lived in a different country for a while, and now I’m ready to graduate. I’m completely different from the eighteen year old girl whose heart you broke. I’m smarter, stronger, and more cautious with my heart. I’m sure you’ve changed a lot too, or at least I hope so.

Although I’m different, there are some things that will never change. I will never be able to go into a casino without thinking of you. I will never be able to hear the song “I Don’t Dance” by Lee Brice and not change the station because I think of you. I will never be able to see a white BMW while I’m driving and not think it’s you. You cross my mind every now and then. I think of the good times, I think of the awful fights, I think of the last time I saw you.

Things didn’t end well between us. So badly in fact that when you came into the restaurant I was working at with another girl you ran out the back door (yes, I saw you). You lied to me, you cheated on me with two different girls that I know of, and you hid me from the world when we were together. You had an image to maintain, and for some reason I wasn’t a part of it. But, I still loved you. As much as I hate to say it, when someone asks me who my first love was I will always have to say your name. The saddest part about it is that to this day I wonder if you ever loved me. You said you did. You knew how much you wanted to spend on my wedding ring, your mom told me she had never seen you so crazy about a girl, but I still can’t bring myself to believe that you actually loved me. You don’t cheat on people you love, you don’t hide them away, you don’t treat them how you treated me.

I used to feel sorry for myself when I thought about what happened to us, but now I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you have a warped idea of what love truly is. I feel sorry that you thought it was okay to name the teddy bear I got you after what your ex girlfriend used to call you, I feel sorry that there are so many other girls who I’m sure you’ve hurt just as badly as you hurt me. However, even with as bad as everything hurt, I want to thank you.

Thank you for showing me what I don’t deserve. Thank you for teaching me which red flags I need to look for in future relationships. Thank you for destroying me so that I could recreate myself into someone stronger, healthier, and more self-assured. Thank you for letting me go. Although you were my first love, that’s all you will ever be to me. I can move forward and eventually find someone who treats me with the love and respect I know I deserve but you couldn't provide me. Though the pain is long gone and I would never give you the time of day again, these are the things I carry with me. I learned a lot from you, and I hope you learned a thing or two from me too. Although it’s hard for me to say, I wish you the best.