Something I've heard my entire life but never fully understood is, "You always lash out the hardest at the ones closest to you." Sometimes you treat the people that mean the most to you worse than you treat the people you don't even like. I would like to call it human nature, but that's a sad excuse for what's happening. All I can say is that I've realized people treat their loved ones like this because they assume they'll never leave. This isn't an excuse to stay in toxic relationships, friendships, or even families, but it does explain why this happens. We grow up watching Disney movies and believing in fairy tales so much that when it all comes down to it, we make the assumption that real life is a lot like it is in the movies.
I know in most cases actions speak louder than words, and they should, they absolutely should, but for me, that's where it gets complicated. My words are what I value most. I'm not sure if you're familiar with writers, but sometimes we're awkward and weird and the only way we can express ourselves is through our words. It takes some getting used to, but I could write novels about how I feel about you while being too shy to show you how much that really is.
Anger is a strong emotion and I think it changes people more than any other one. We say things out of anger and frustration that we would never say in a normal setting, because it's not us. It's not the way we feel, but anger isn't something anyone reacts to well. We get mad, we lash out and then we calm down. Don't hold something over someone that they said out of anger, because they're more ashamed of it than anything. They said something in a time when their mind couldn't comprehend what it was even doing.
People can give me a thousand compliments with one negative comment and the only thing I'll remember is the negative thing that was said to me. I know I'm not the only one, and I also hope I'm not the only one who realizes how toxic this is to ourselves. We live in a world where it's so hard to see the good, that we choose to not see the good in ourselves as well. It's easier to accept negative comments than it is to accept positive compliments because we don't think highly of ourselves. We all have demons in us and they spend their lives trying to claw their way deeper into our heads, and the sad thing is we let them.
A lot of the time everyone gets so caught up in their own drama that is making their life awful, that they forget to appreciate the ones who are there for them that make everything not so awful. We take people for granted and we don't realize what we are doing until it's too late.
I know this won't come as a surprise to you when I say that I can't change the past. I can't change the fact that I made you feel unappreciated, or taken for granted, or just plain hurt. I can't change the past, but I can learn from it and that's all I really want to do.
My point is that I'm sorry. I know an apology doesn't fix everything but I hope it's a start. I know what you're feeling and I can only imagine what you're thinking, but I hope you know what I'm feeling and thinking as well. I appreciate you, I value you and I'm lucky to have you.
