Dear little girl me,
I’m sorry I never let you scab your knees enough. I’m sorry you always stayed back in defense when you played soccer. I’m sorry you never made the softball team because you were too scared of the ball. I’m sorry you missed out on fun, little adventures because you were too afraid.
I don’t know why this always seemed to be the case, but I wish I hadn’t let you be so overly cautious. You deserved to have more fun. You were cautious, on top of already being too mature for your age. You had this need to grow up fast. You always wanted to hang around your older sisters’ friends because you thought that was cool. You played office and wrote out your own schedules while talking to fake clients on the phone, instead of playing with baby dolls. I don’t wish for you to have grown up differently; not in the slightest. In fact, I’m proud of who you are today. I just wish you had more fun then, because now, it’s hard to escape the need to always be so hesitant.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to say you grew up to become the mom of the group, which is not a bad thing. Having maternal instincts and living as a realist is not bad either. You grew up always having everyone’s best interest at heart, including your own. Your empathetic nature allows you to connect with others and provide them with advice that you appreciate giving. You may be motherly but that just means you have a big heart for the ones you love. You may also be a realist, but that just means you can be the voice of reason for people who need it most.
I wouldn’t change you. But I do really wish you had climbed higher on your best friend’s front yard tree. I wish you would have gone out into the ocean and gotten tumbled over more. I wish you would have defied your parents more often, because now that you’re grown up, you have much more respect for your parents so you won’t defy them now.
I’m sorry I made you miss out on good stories and memories just because you were too ‘good.’
So, for the sake of your 30-year-old self, I promise I won’t be so cautious anymore. By no means will I ever give up my mom title, but I do promise to have more fun. I’ll take life as it comes, instead of getting upset when things don’t go according to plan. I’ll be more adventurous and more willing to throw caution to the wind.
But, of course, if it weren’t for you, then I wouldn’t have become who I am today. Your practical and sometimes too serious attitude is who you are and it’s who you’ve always been, so you might as well own it.
So, again, I am sorry for letting your childhood down a bit. But I promise I won’t turn back in 10 years and say the same about your 20s.
Love,
Your 19-year-old self.
