With everything in life there is a balance, and finding that fine line with both my American and Indian sides is no exception.
At times it does seem like the best of both worlds. I mean, I get the opportunity to own pretty American dresses and gorgeous exquisitely-made saris. I eat pasta for lunch and then have nice home cooked Indian food for dinner. I celebrate all the Indian holidays, while also receiving presents for Christmas. I live in one of the greatest countries in the world, while also possessing a rich cultural lineage.
It isn’t always perfect though. In fact most times I feel like I’m floating somewhere in the middle of these two distinctly different universes. I don’t really fit in completely in either world. Let’s face it, even though I am a proud American, it will be a long time before some of my fellow citizens view me as such because of the color of my skin. My customs are too different, and no matter how much I change my attire or accent I will always be considered foreign. In India, I am considered too “whitewashed”. My relatives don’t understand my American accent very well, and I can barely speak my family’s mother-tongue, Telugu, at a 3rd graders level.
This reality scares me. As one of the first in my family to be born and brought up in America, I fear I have already lost touch with my cultural heritage. And in all honesty, I am to blame.
For several years of my life I rejected my Indian background because I had this odd notion that it was “uncool”. I didn’t like how it set me apart from my American peers. I would argue with my dad whenever he played Indian music or wanted to watch old Bollywood movies. I would get so embarrassed and irritated with my mom whenever she insisted I take Indian food for lunch or when she would put my hair in two well-oiled braids. The funny thing is though, I would do anything to have those moments back. Now I miss waking up to the smell of chai tea and incense sticks wafting through the air. I crave my mother’s home-cooked Indian food and my dad’s beautiful renditions of favorite Telugu classics. Most of all, I deeply regret how ashamed I could be of such a beautiful and vibrant culture. It is because of my foresight for all those years that now one of my biggest fears in life is that my future children will not know anything about their roots. That the only connection with their heritage is the color of their skin.
Yet, as a firm believer in its better late than never, I’m trying to get back in touch with my Indian background. I am trying for my parents, who gave up so much back in India to give my sister and I a better future. I am trying for all my relatives back home. I am trying for the future family I hope to bring up in this great country. And I am trying for me. Because while I am American, I will forever and always be a proud desi girl at heart. And nothing will ever change that.
