Casey Redds, 38, is a regular at the Ruby Fork Coffee Shop, and when you first lay eyes on him he seems like a fairly normal person. Casey is a Caucasian, 38-year-old male of slightly above-average weight. However, as the old adage says, looks can be deceiving.
Casey has one very memorable trait. He uses the only life that he is sure exists to treat baristas poorly. You read that correctly.
You can catch Casey multiple days a week standing in line at the Ruby Fork making loud passive aggressive comments about how the baristas “couldn’t possibly take longer to make his latte if they tried.”
Casey distinguishes himself as an inarguably fascinating individual every time he puts down a human who is rushing to make him a beautifully crafted source of nourishment.
Think about it: Casey is a resident of the planet Earth. The same planet where people do things like overcome addictions, see fireworks for the first time, reunite with old friends, laugh to the point of tears, know indescribable loss, summon the bravery to carry on, get drunk on good wine, go skinny dipping, battle illness, write songs, forgive, stand up for themselves, watch their children get married, meet their heroes, witness war, shake hands with their future spouse for the first time, invent something, and listen to the sound of thunder.
Despite all of this, Casey uses his staggering mental stamina to block out the massive wonder of the universe long enough to be unkind to a stranger. Casey seems to have the ability to focus so intently on only the immediate hundred square feet around himself that he has become the single most important human in his mind.
To get a more thorough look into the mind of this mind-boggling individual, I hired a team three clinical psychologists. The following are some highlights from their respective final reports:
“The self-centered behavior displayed by Casey Redds likely stems from a lack of adversity in his early life. Redds seems to have led a life largely devoid of emotionally stressful situations. Initially that sounds like a positive situation, but in Casey’s case, it resulted in him having next to no perspective on things that are actually important in the world.”
-Dr. Felicity Gardard
“Issues of masculinity may be at play with Casey. He seems to measure his self-worth in his ability to dominate someone else in social situations. This causes Casey to take on predatory behaviors towards people in vulnerable customer service positions. This scenario helps him act out his fantasies of power towards people who must put up with it in order to keep their jobs.”
-Dr. Kendrick Ambrogo
“I think he’s just kind of a d*ck.”
-Dr. Moises Fondale
It’s hard to guess what will come next for Casey Redds. With the infinite possibilities that the future holds, only one thing is for certain. Casey Redds will ingest a massive amount of other people’s saliva through his food.
(This article was inspired by the smooth Twitter stylings of Laura Mulcahy)
