I am the girl who walks behind the group.

When we go somewhere, I know that not everyone will fit on the sidewalk, so I walk behind. You wonder why, and so do I. Have you ever been the one who walks behind the group? If I'm always there, probably not. Sometimes I figure that I've been the one behind the group for so long that one more time won't be so bad. Every time I tell myself that, it proves to be wrong. Why do I still walk behind the group?

I guess it's because I feel like I have to be the one to do it. I'm not in the conversation anyway. I rarely am; so really, I'm not missing much.

I walk behind the group because I just don't feel important enough to walk beside the group. When I try to join, someone always pushes me back. Maybe you don't know what you're doing. Maybe you don't know that I've been the girl who has walked behind the group for as long as she can remember, so now when I'm left behind I wonder why. Why, after 18 years am I never the one in the center of the action?

You all tell me that you love me, but sometimes I'm not so sure. When we pass, you don't look at me. When we're together, I sometimes feel left out. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's all in my head. But then it happens again. I'm behind the group, and no one bothers to look back. Am I that easily forgotten?

I think you notice sometimes. I get quiet, don't participate in the conversation, but no one ever asks. You tell me I'm great and that I'm an amazing person, but I need you to actually know how I feel. I need you to listen to me speak for a long time. I need you to actually let me speak without fear of being cut off. I need to know that you won't leave because you think I'm too messed up. If I'm still using humor when I talk about how I feel, I'm not really talking about how I feel.

I can say what I need, but all I really know is I can't go on like this. Most of the time I'm okay, but sometimes I cry for hours. I used to think I was crying for nothing. Now, I know I cry for everything. I cry because I can't talk. I need to talk. It tears me apart inside.

It's not your fault, and please don't blame yourself. It's just how things are for me. I haven't always been this bad, and you know I'm happy. You know I love people more than life. I'm open to everyone and everything. I am not a sad person.

But I do get sad.

I need just one person that I can talk to. Please don't message me, "I'm always here." You saying we can talk and you actually telling me in person that you're worried about me and you want to talk are two different things. I question myself. I question myself because I know you care, but my brain can't comprehend it. Please, help me.

I am the girl who walks behind the group and I am not a sad person, but I am sad. I need you to help. I need someone to help. I have professional help, but I need my friends. I need you.