Before I dive into this, I want to get one thing straight: My goal here isn’t to censor people or step on their toes with regards to free speech. This isn’t about telling people that they can’t say things. It’s about how sometimes, it’s important to think before we speak.

All my life, it’s been the little things that stuck with me — the so-called jokes or the “I’m just saying” comments. I honestly think that people’s brief, sometimes thoughtless jibes have had a greater effect on me than words and actions that were actually intended to insult (although there are some exceptions, of course). There’s just something about how personal and direct those little statements can be that makes them memorable. They’re short and often about things you notice or do every day, so they can pop up whenever, wherever. They’re easy to recall and quick to sneak into the forefront of your mind from the back of your memory.

I remember almost everything that someone has ever joked to me about regarding my appearance, my habits, my intelligence or grades, my likes and dislikes. Now, years later, I think about these on a daily basis, because they’re things I can’t necessarily change, and because they’ve become details or behaviors that I am now hyper aware of. Some of these I’ve tried to change; others I’m embarrassed about, because I can’t. There are aspects of myself that I tend not to share with people, simply as a result of previous reception. I’ve become hesitant to go into detail about my likes and dislikes, or my dreams and aspirations because they were the punchline of many jokes or the isolating factors in social situations in the past. Parts of myself that I used to be confident about have turned into my greatest insecurities after one too many comments.

You never know what a person is sensitive about, what their relationship with a certain issue or part of themselves may be. You certainly can’t know how they’ll receive a joke or slightly too detailed observation. This isn’t a lecture on how you absolutely can not for any reason at any time say anything at all about a person to their face. This is about how before you do, try to consider more than one possibility of how your statement can be interpreted. Think about whether or not there’s a chance of it being a sensitive topic for someone, especially if it’s about appearance or habits.

Try to be mindful of your words. Not everyone has a filter, and some people speak more compulsively than others. That’s OK, and there isn’t anything that’s inherently wrong about that. But mindfulness of our words can be a highly beneficial skill to practice. When making observations or comments, try to be as nonjudgmental as possible. Be aware of the fact that you don’t know why someone has certain habits, likes or dislikes something, whether or not something is an insecurity. Think before you say something snarky, or point out a habit to a table full of people. Even the most seemingly minute and irrelevant things in your eyes might be a person’s biggest source of self-doubt. If there’s something that you feel warrants a comment, approach it in a respectful manner that shows curiosity, rather than immediately jumping to attempted humor. Trust me, if someone is comfortable with you making jokes regarding something about them, they’ll let you know. It’s way easier to say, “Yeah, it’s totally cool if you make fun of me for that, I do, too!” than it is to say, “Please, don’t joke about that”. Many people with insecurities tend to shy away from telling people that things make them uncomfortable. Remember that just because someone isn’t saying that a given comment is hurtful, doesn’t mean it’s not.

Again, I’m not trying to say that you can’t joke about people’s habits, preferences, hobbies, stylistic choices, and the like. I’m just saying that before you do, make sure that it’s not something that they’re self-conscious about. Someone’s self-esteem isn’t worth the punchline.