I am not girlfriend material. I've known that since the third grade. Granted, as an eight year old I had a boyfriend, but I still knew that intimate relationships are very difficult to maintain.
Let me paint a picture for you: The school bell would ring for the lunch period and we'd rush out hand in hand to our spot at the table. My pigtails and his shaggy hair would fly in the wind. It was whimsical and it was bliss. Eventually things started to go downhill, like they always do. Every lunch period he would cry in my lap for at least 15 minutes. For months this happened and I was obviously concerned. I'd ask him every single day. "Adam, are you alright?" and every single day he would hand me a cheeseburger or a brownie to shut my voicebox.
After a few months, I realized that by this behavior, he refused for this relationship to be a partnership. He just needed my lap to cry on, a body, he didn't need me. As young as I was, I still wanted to be a person he could share all of his troubles with and we'd work through everything together. But again, we were young and we didn't know how to share those personal burdens with anyone else and sometimes that included our parents. Still to this day, I struggle with sharing my personal problems with those that are closest to me.
I'm very sure that many adults wholeheartedly relate to this feeling. Sometimes, we might find ourselves in a predicament where we feel unloved, unappreciated, or even used by a significant other.
After my first boyfriend experience (and a few others) and all of my observations of all the couples in my family, I came to a conclusion.
Conclusion: I want an equal.
What I mean by this can be more eloquently stated through a famous quote:
Do not lead, for I may not follow.
Do not follow, for I may not lead.
Walk beside me and let us be friends.
I don't want someone who snaps at me to come at their beck and call and I don't want someone who will kiss the ground that I walk on. I want someone who can look at me and see another version of themselves. The self that they see and understand the flaws and inconsistencies of it, yet still manage to love it like no other.
Nowadays, people just want to have their short-term needs satisfied and they could be on their merry way. So for all those die-hard Romeos and Juliets, we're suffering. Suffering the throes of false and unrequited love.
Maybe that's why people turn to religion. Religion proclaims that it will accept you for who you are, which just happens to be what you have been searching for. So why look to falsehoods from a girlfriend/boyfriend when you have unconditional love from religion? Why even strive to be "dateable"?
My thoughts have always been scattered on the subject. Bouncing from one idea to the next. All I can be sure of is that since I was a kid, I realized that I am not girlfriend material. So what is considered girlfriend material? I've pondered this question for a good month. The only thing I could think of was that girlfriend material seems to be everything else but me.
I had some of my guy friends over the years tell me what they find the least attractive about me and long story short, it was practically everything about me. They told me the top five things they didn't like about me was:
1. My masculine qualities
2. Weight (they told me I could lose a few)
3. My independence
4. My thoughts, ideas, and aspirations
5. I'm just plain different, a little too different
Basically, I'm not what every guy looks for. I have to be feminine, thin, docile, needy, and incapable of doing anything really, in order to fit the job description. That's time consuming. I don't have time to be something I'm not.
In making that time saving decision, I've decided to strive for the "not girlfriend material" status. So I say to all of those that are different and to those who don't fit the mold society created for them, join me in striving for the unthinkable. Become yourself and break that mold. And if society doesn't like it, they can kiss you're ass because you're you, and no one can do better at being you than you.
I'm not girlfriend material and if you're not girlfriend material either, that's ok.
