I'm Not Crazy

So I’m crazy? Okay. I’m glad you have figured that out for yourself. I’m glad you’ve made me feel like I can’t tell you anything anymore. I let you in to a dark part of my soul and you just made my fears come true when you shook your head and gave me a look. After all we have been through and the countless times you told me you would never think I am crazy, that all ended in that one moment. It took you two years to admit it. Two years of going around the answer. It proved a point to me in my head. I hope you’re happy with how it made me feel. I feel like I am not enough for not just you, but everyone because, for the longest time, I depended on that hope that you were not like everyone else but, yet again, you have proved me right. You left. I was “too emotional” after the death of my grandfather who meant the world to me growing up. I’m so sorry if you couldn’t handle me at one of my worst times and in my time of need. Come to think of it, there have been other instances where you distance yourself from me when I go through a rough patch. Guess you can’t handle me being stressed either. However, if you need to do the same thing for yourself that’s okay in your mind. I took a break from life a few months ago. I was having a really tough time and I explained why I needed to distance myself, for me. It wasn’t for you or anyone else, it was me. I needed time to deal with my issues alone and not bother anyone. Besides, I thought it would be better for you to not have my issues be a burden on you while you were going through a happy time. I needed to take care of myself and you made me feel like the most terrible person for doing that. I still spoke to you. It was not like I ignored you and acted like you didn’t exist. No. But it was totally okay for you to do it to me time and time again. Why is it okay for you to do so, but not for me?

Oh that’s right, I’m crazy. How could I forget?

I’m not ready to let you back in again. I’m not sure if that will even be anytime soon. You make me feel like I’m not enough, I’m not worth it because I get emotional. Well, excuse me for having feelings. I’m sure you don’t have any since you are perfect, right?

I’m not a toy that you can pick up and play with whenever it is convenient for you. You come around when you need me, and if I do something for myself you get upset. So, that is your issue. I am me and if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best. You - out of anyone - should know that.

I am strong. I am beautiful in my own ways. I am unique. I am special. I am not worthless. I am not “too much.” I am caring and compassionate. I am loving to every soul I meet. I am emotional. I am independent. I am me.

I am not crazy.

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