I am a perfectionist. It might not seem like it, because I am also a huge procrastinator. I procrastinate until the last minute and then my work isn't as good as it could be. I have figured out that I do this because then, if I get a bad grade, I can blame it on procrastinating instead of telling myself that it's because I'm not good enough. Being a perfectionist makes me my own worst enemy.
I love my sport, and I know I will always love to be around horses, and to ride them. I love showing, although if you ask my trainer or anyone that shows with me, more often than not, they'll say it's questionable whether or not I want to be there. This is because when I am at a show, I am more of a perfectionist than ever. Every single time I go in the pen, I'm nervous. You'd think after seven years of showing I wouldn't be nervous anymore, but no. I'm nervous because I know that in my sport, I am being judged. I know that if everything is not perfect, I will not win the class. This is a problem to me. Even when something happens that I can not control, I blame myself for messing up.
I can go in the pen, and win the class under every judge, and still be upset. I know this makes me sound horrible; let me explain. I am ecstatic when I place high in a class, especially with a lot of people. I am proud of my horse for doing everything I asked, and I am glad that I made my trainer happy. But a part of me is still upset, because I will find something that I did wrong, and I will tear myself apart because of it. Even when I don't place, but I have a good ride, I am happy that I had a good ride, but I find something wrong. Every. Single. Time. This causes a big problem when I go in the pen and have a horrible ride. I will come out expecting to get told what I did wrong, and I will be so frustrated with myself for messing up that I will be on the verge of tears. I will be mad, and I will be screaming at myself in my head over every single thing I did wrong.
This year, I am going to Color Breed Congress. This is a huge show in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and people come from all over to show. It's my last year in youth, and I want to go out with a bang. I want nothing more than to get to the show, have great rides, and make my trainer proud. I don't want to show up and get nervous, and start tearing myself apart. I wish I knew how to shut that part of me off for the five minutes I am in the pen, and just go in and do what I know my horse and I can do.
I hate that my mind does this, every time, because I know my horse is doing everything he can, and I am so proud of him for all of it. I just can't seem to accept that I can go in the pen, and make minor mistakes, just like everyone else in the pen does, and it's okay. I have tried and tried to accept that everyone messes up in the pen, but for some reason, I have only accepted that it's okay for everyone else, but not for me.
Being a perfectionist is terrible, and no one should ever believe differently. Being a perfectionist makes you tell yourself over and over that you are not good enough, and nothing you do will be good enough until its perfect. The thing you don't realize, or just don't believe, is that nothing can ever be perfect. No matter how hard you try.
