I struggle to love myself. I struggle to quantify my value on this earth; I struggle to understand where I belong. I am no stranger to losing sleep because of this selfish bubble I can get trapped in. I question my thoughts, my dreams, and my future. I can not control every aspect of my destiny; I cannot control the DNA that makes me who I am; that makes me feel what I feel and process thoughts the way I do.

My struggle is not about the face I wear to the general public. I believe in my ability to make it look like I know what the hell I am doing. I know I can complete tasks, smile, and work well with the outside world. My struggle lies in my difficulty to become vulnerable. I struggle to be real with myself about my emotions. I don’t always allow myself to choose myself.

It’s hard for me to tell myself the truth about people who bring toxicity into my life. It’s hard to let go of someone you love, even if it burns your soul. I make excuses for people like that in my life; I justify their actions with ideas that don’t hurt my feelings. I can make myself believe they don’t want to hurt me. The truth is, maybe they don’t care at all.

I wear this face. It’s a mask. But I never take it off. I never let myself breathe. It’s hard to let my authentic self show -- even when the lights are turned out. I feel as if my safety is threatened, so sometimes it is better to hide than to take the mask off.

I am learning that self-love is a combination of intimacy and will power. It’s about being honest with yourself about anything in your life. I am working on being honest with myself about who genuine people are in my life, what my actual goals are, and what I am actually passionate about. I need to have the drive in my soul to express myself in ways that are real to me.

I am learning. I am not there yet, but I am deciding to love myself again.