I’m scared of heights the thought of being near the edge, the idea of falling into the unknown (the ground) scares me. The fear of being so far from the ground is terrifying and not thrilling. The idea of jumping out of a plane doesn’t excite me, but rather makes me sick with anxiety. I find no thrill in trying to fly, but at the sometime falling. I don’t want to know what the rush of the ground coming closer and closer to you feels like. I’d rather not understand what it feels like to float through the air free falling and relaying on a parachute to keep you safe plus another person.

I remember when I was a young girl I did some rock climbing at a gym or maybe it was REI, I don’t remember, but I was so scared I refuse to push off of the rocks and float down. It never looked scary when others did it, but I froze up and was determined to never come down. I demanded to know if there was some other way. I would have climbed back down rather than pushing off the rocks and floating so many feet up in the air.

I think that was the first time I realized I was terrified of falling. The idea of looking over and seeing for miles excites me that thought of how far up I am does not. I hate the idea of falling. Falling in any sense scares me. It’s like I’m exposed to the world and everyone can see me. There is no hiding when you fall, the wind slaps your face and moving is probably a bit hard when you are soaring in the air. I like my feet on the ground; I like the idea that I am supposed to be on the ground. I hate the idea of soaring and flying; I hate the thought of walking on a narrow ledge during a hike.

I remember once during a hike actually I started panicking and turned around to go back down because I was so scared. I got teased, made of fun and even scolded because I couldn’t overcome my fear of being up high. I don’t enjoy not being able to look down and see how far up I am, I don’t enjoy not being able to want to fly through the sky and see views I could never see from the ground or in an airplane. I want to experiences those things, but I’m not ready to actually face my fears.

That’s hard concept for me to face my fears to actually say “well forget you anxiety I’m doing anyways.” Because I’m not that kind of person and I let things get the best of me. I let myself get talked down my anxiety and I let myself be panicked when I don’t need to be. My mind will constantly give me 100 thoughts at once to freak me out if I even think about facing my fears because that’s how it is.

I don’t know if I can face my anxiety because it’s not something that is seeable. It’s part of my mind and I can’t control it and no matter how hard I try, I’ll always have a fear of something. I hate that I let it hold me back, but I know I’ve always let myself do amazing things in spite of it. Facing my fear of heights is something I will probably never do because I just can’t. I fear falling with no one to catch me, with nothing to stop me. That’s how my anxiety feels like falling.