Goodbyes are hard. They’re hard when it’s you who is the one saying goodbye and when you’re the one who is being told goodbye. They’re heartbreaking when you don’t see them coming and bittersweet when you do. But the hardest goodbyes, the ones that can tear a person in two, are the ones that never actually occur.
When I was in elementary school, I would be bused to an after school program that was held in the basement of a church called “Angel Care.” There, I would build the Millennium Falcon out of Legos, do my homework, and eat popcorn every Tuesday. My mom would pick me up around 5:30 every evening. Except when she didn’t.
When my best friend and her mom came to pick me up from after school care, I immediately started crying, knowing something was wrong. My grandfather had been sick for awhile and I knew my mother’s absence meant things were getting worse. After being calmed down by my best friend and finding out I would be spending the night with her (on a school night!) I was back to my normal self. We played and finished up our homework, and later on, went to bed.
I woke up the next day to my best friend gone. She was at school and I wasn’t. Instead, I found my aunt at the front door of my best friend’s house with plans to take me to the children’s museum.
I remember having a blast. I loved the children’s museum. I encased myself in a giant bubble, learned how to read braille, and found out how the weatherman knew what he was pointing at when he did the weather! I didn’t want to leave but was coaxed with the promise of ice cream. Not going to school was awesome! After picking up an ice cream cone, we headed to my grandfather’s house where it seemed everyone was waiting. I was so excited to tell my mom about my day at the museum, but when I walked in the door, the mood seemed off.
I would soon find out that my grandfather had died the night before. And while that was happening, I was off having a great time with my best friend and at the children’s museum. I was 10 years old, and it was the first time since my parents divorce that I felt such grief. Except this time, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was mad at myself for having such a good time while my grandfather was dying and mad at my mother for not letting me be there. My life changed drastically after his death. It wasn’t until his passing that I realized how important goodbyes were, no matter how hard they would be to say.
Since his death, I have had many hard goodbyes from friends, boyfriends and family members. Unfortunately, I’ve also endeared many situations where goodbye was never said. Those are the ones that stick out most, the ones that are burned in the back of my brain. Goodbye is a form of closure. It’s the last chapter in a great book. Without it, you feel incomplete and lost.
Goodbyes have become a very important rule in my life. Whenever I meet someone new who is going to be in my life, I need them to know that goodbye is a non-negotiable thing. I don’t want words left unsaid. I need to know how the book ends. I need that last chapter to make sure the characters are going to be okay. When goodbyes aren’t said, it makes one feel as if they weren’t worthy of one. That’s an unsettling feeling, a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. That unsaid goodbye gets in your head and into your heart. Remember that next time you want to leave, remember to always say goodbye.
