I was always running. Whether it was running after new jobs, new clubs to join, or new leadership positions, I was always on the search for more opportunities. I was so convinced that a life worthwhile was defined by the amount of things I had accomplished and titles I held. Fast-forward a couple of years, and there I was knee deep in what I thought was success but I was still left feeling unsatisfied. That’s when I learned that life isn’t a matter of successes and in the grand scheme of life, nobody cares about how many times you’ve been elected onto an executive board.
Most would regard the relentless pursuit for more as a good thing -- and don’t get me wrong, ambition is great. That is, until you have so much ambition that it consumes you and you run so far and fast after your goals that you lose yourself along the way. That you lose sight of what you wanted in the first place. That you get so caught up in the ongoing pursuit for more that you forget to slow down and enjoy your life as it is for a little while. And after years of running towards more, that is exactly what happened to me.
Rewind a couple of years. There I was sitting in my high school classroom, just days away from receiving my diploma. Back then, I had not a clue what was in store for my future. All I knew was that I wanted to be successful and live up to everyone’s expectations. As time progressed and I began college, I developed the mindset that there were only 2 things I could do to be successful, and they were:
1. By choosing a difficult major and pursuing a career in the medical field.
And:
2. By over-involving myself on campus.
And as a result of this misbelief, I began the exhausting run after what I deemed as success.
In pursuit of achieving the success I was so convinced could only be attained by investing my life in these two things, I drove myself mad. No matter how many activities I was already involved in, I could always invest myself in more. No matter how high my GPA was, it was never high enough. My ambition was too intense that no matter how well I appeared to be doing academically and no matter how extensive my resume was, it was never going to be enough.
And this brings me back to the overarching point of the danger in having too much ambition. My desire for what I regarded as success kick-started my tiring run for more. I ran so far and so fast, leaving more than I ever expected to, including my happiness, behind. All I cared about was acquiring more opportunities and building the resume that I was so convinced would make or break my future. I threw my physical and mental health to the wind, all because I kept telling myself that someday, all of the success would be worth it.
On the tiring pursuit for more, I lost sight of what I truly wanted. I ignored my underlying passions and instead chased after what I thought would make others view me as successful. I forced myself into career paths I found unbearable, and I overextended myself to an unhealthy point. I was dangerously set on the idea that if I wanted to live a life of success, I could never slow down.
But I soon found out that I was wrong. I realized that life should not feel like a race and the two points I noted as benchmarks of success were by no means the only ways to define my life as worthwhile.
To address the first point, I realized that you should never choose a major just because you perceive it to be difficult. I learned that you cannot force yourself to love medicine -- and just because you love medicine does not mean that you are successful.
In terms of the second one, after being elected onto 2 executive boards and an active member of more extracurricular activities than I can count on both hands, I learned that campus involvement does not define a successful life. Moreover, you should be involving yourself in things you enjoy doing, rather than investing your time in activities that feel solely like obligations.
With these two realizations, I learned arguably the most important lesson I have ever learned about life. And that is that you should never work so hard toward a goal that you lose your happiness along the way. After all, the purpose of chasing after a dream is to grow your happiness, not restrict it. You must control your ambition; and if it ever begins to feel overbearing, you must limit it. If not, you will create a horrible present and set yourself up for a dreadful future.
And so here I am once again brought back to the idea of too much ambition kick-starting the unbearable run I had ran for so many years. I spent half of my college career running after what I thought would mark me as successful. But luckily, I finally realized I had been wrong all along. I learned that sometimes acquiring a life worth living isn't by means of running after what you think you want. Rather, it's about slowing down and finding desire in the stillness, in the known, in the comfortable; in the place you feel most at home.
I was always running.
But now, it’s finally time to slow down.
