16 Alternative Facts From A College Student

Alternative Fact (n.) - A statement, with little or no proof or backing, clinging to a hope that it will be taken seriously and will not be questioned. See also; blatant lie, false statement.

1. I’m eating healthy and responsibly

I only use my meal plan to buy fruits, vegetables and a reasonable amount of ice cream. I’ve been eating three balanced meals a day and haven’t had a sip of alcohol.

2. I get eight hours of sleep a night.

I go to bed at 10pm every single night, and I definitely haven’t begun dreading the all-nighter that I’ll be pulling this Sunday to complete all my homework that I’ve put off all weekend.

3. I don’t party.

I’m not familiar with the Booty Shaking playlist on Spotify.

4. My social media is respectable and will be a good reference for me when future employers want to hire me.

I didn’t make a second Facebook or a Finsta that my parents and teachers will never see or have access to.

5. I’ve been making commitments to be a better student.

I color code my notes and always pay attention in class. I never fall asleep in class because I have a healthy sleep schedule (See #2) and all my teachers think that I am a pleasure to have in class.

6. I don’t spend three hours a day watching videos of cute animals.

My favorite definitely isn’t the video of the two dogs trying to climb over the little stone wall, and one of them keeps falling down and the other one tries to nudge him up, but then the falling one snaps at him. Definitely not. And it’s definitely not better with commentary.

7. I am prepared for all of my classes and I enjoy learning the material.

None of this is over my head or overwhelming, and I haven’t considered dropping out of any (read: all) of my classes more than three times today.

8. I use the gym on campus every single day.

I know how to use every machine in that room.

9. I’ve found a job on campus or in town that I can feasibly balance with my existing schedule and time commitments.

And I love that job. I love my job. I love my job.

10. If I’m not in class, I’m in the library.

In fact, I’m in the library more than I’m in my own dorm. (This one might be more actual fact than alternative fact…)

11. I’ve only had one mental breakdown today.

And only three this week.

12. I’m managing my money wisely.

I’ve been able to pay for all my books and I’m feeling confident about my ability to make my campus card last all semester.

13. My roommate and I get along really well.

We’ve had long, emotional bonding talks every day and I know everything about them. We don’t get on each other’s nerves and we’re going to be best friends for life.

14. I don’t miss my family at all.

I’m not planning on moving back in with my parents when I graduate because I’m an adult, damn it.

15. And I definitely don’t miss my dog one bit.

I haven’t thought about smuggling him back to college with me after break. Not at all. Never.

16. I’m not stressing about all of the student loan debt I’m going to have when I get out of here.

And I feel confident about my ability to find a job that I enjoy and applies to my major as soon as I leave college.
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