Somehow, I can feel all of my broken pieces coming together. Still, some are missing and I can feel them too--the emptiness. But it’s not overwhelming anymore. It doesn’t consume me or control me. Instead, I’ve come to feel peace with the depths of my struggles over the course of the last year and a half. And it’s strange; I never thought I would be saying this. For quite some time, I thought I was stuck in that hole forever. Forever overwhelmed by the disseminating pieces around me.
Now I see so much light in all of it, and it’s hard to explain how. Like a tree, I can feel myself growing, and I know I haven’t reached my full potential yet, but it’s coming. With a bit more watering, sunshine, and growth, I’ll be right where I want to be.
One year ago, I thought I’d never be where I am now, which is so much closer to happiness. I don’t even know how I got here, but I’m lucky to have made it through--not everyone does. I truly think it was my willingness to stick it out, and wait for a day like this to come. So many days I was rooted in place by my anxieties and looming fears. They kept me in bed many days and stole me away from the friends I knew wanted to be there for me as much they could. But, I promised not to push myself, to let the feelings arise if they wanted to. In doing that, I’ve learned how to manage them; I’ve learned when to give in and when to resist. Most days, those feelings no longer control me.
I’ve come to peace with the fact, too, that I will never be in a place in my life where these feelings are obsolete. I’ve come to peace with the fact that they are now a part of me, but they do not define me.
It’s more than a light in the distance that I can see-- I can feel it. I can feel the changes in my body; I can feel my nerves shaking in excitement at the thought of true joy and inner peace. I looked in the mirror the other day and said, “I love you,” and I meant it. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did that, or if I ever have, for that matter. But I did it. I feel like I’m finally coming into my own skin, accepting everything that’s haunted me, broken me down, because now I see it all coming together. All of this evil I discovered inside of me is finally being drowned out by all the love and light I’m allowing to be let in. I’ve told myself for months, “You’ve got to feel all of it,” and you bet I did. Those feelings of self-hatred, crippling anxiety, and questioning, led right to the feelings I’ve been impatiently waiting to feel. Happiness. Peace. Love. Joy. I know, these are vague and generalized, but I finally believe myself when I say that. I’m just still in awe that they’ve finally made their way back into my life. It’s like a long-lost friend, and everything is the same somehow, but the distance between you has made you more grateful for one another.
