"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." - Margaret Thatcher

For as long as I've been alive, I don't think I can remember a time when I ever felt good enough. I was always trying to be like someone else. In grade school, I hated my handwriting. In middle school, I couldn't stand the clothes I wore. In high school, I struggled with body image issues. The things might have changed, but over the years, one thing that stayed constant was this: I could never be satisfied, because there was always something that I absolutely detested about myself.

I'd love to be able to tell you that something's changed, that I one day woke up and began loving myself, accepting myself and treating myself with the same kindness I treat everyone I come into contact with, but that would be the farthest from the truth. With time, it has only gotten worse. I could blame this on the countless guys I've had tell me they love me only to break my heart and leave me to pick up the pieces. I could tell you that my insecurities are rooted in the years of verbal abuse I received all throughout high school. I could even place blame on every time I got stabbed in the back by a friend, but any of these excuses are just that - excuses. By placing the blame on others, I would just be taking the easy way out. The truth is, no one can make me feel a certain way about myself unless I have allowed them to. And with the list of insecurities I have, I must be the easiest target in America.

I don't know when it started, but at some point in the last year, I hit a slump and have yet to pull myself out of the dark hole that I have dug for myself and climbed into. But like anything else in life, I have good days and I have bad days. One day I'm on top of the world, and the next, I'm lower than I've ever been. There are days that I wake up and feel perfectly fine. But most days, I wake up, just barely able to stomach the sight of my own reflection. I have this burning feeling inside of me that has been weighing me down for most of my life; the feeling that I am not good enough. No matter how hard I try, no matter how nicely I dress, how much makeup I apply, no matter how many times I plaster on that fake smile that I wear so well - it doesn't matter. At the end of that day, I crawl into bed with the feeling that I don't matter, that I am just taking up useless space. These thoughts usually eat away at me until I am finally able to fall asleep. But, before I know it, the next day is here and I have to go through It all over again.

I've had days where I just want to give up and accept defeat. There have been many instances where I look at a bottle of pills, or the closest object on the table and I want nothing more than to end all of my misery. I have gotten to that point more times than I can count. Just when I think I can't get any lower, I surprise myself by feeling worse than I could have ever imagined.

My only saving grace has been the hope that my family and friends have instilled in me. When I think about my little brother, who looks up to me and depends on me for so much, I realize that I can't be that selfish. When I think of all that my parents have sacrificed to give me the best life I could possibly have, I stop dead in my tracks and I brave the storm. When I think of my best friend, who battles her own issues and still always finds the time to help me get through my own, I realize that if she can bear the strength to face her demons head on, then guess what? I can too.

To anyone that finds themselves struggling with some of the same issues as I do, my best advice to you is to surround yourself with incredible people. If not for the continuous and unwavering support of the people that love and care about me, I would definitely not be here right now. Find something that will keep you going. Listening to music helps. Focusing on others helps. Writing has to be my favorite outlet; it has saved me more times than I can count. Just find something that will make you feel like it is worth it to live another day until you don't need the things anymore and you can truly believe it. I promise that if you do that, you will be as happy as you pretend you are each day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Don't give up.

If you are like me, you try to be a people pleaser and keep everyone happy. But let me be clear: if you are battling depression and you're surrounding yourself with toxic people, please cut them out of your life. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is worth being around people that negatively contribute to your mental health. I've had friends accuse me of playing the victim. I've had friends act like they were there for me in my darkest hour only to turn around and say the worst things about me to each other behind my back. A true friend will be there for you unconditionally, and in time it will get easier to separate the true friends from the fake ones. Put yourself first, always.

Losing yourself is never fun. The battle is never easy, but in time it will be worth it. So, I will continue to fight. No matter how deep the water gets, I will not sink. I refuse to let my past, present or future demons get the best of me. I might create my own flames and burn in them for a little while, but then I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes over, and over and over again. I am not where I want to be yet, but I am getting closer with every day.