"Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once." -Paulo Coelho

All Or Nothing.

We tried being it 'all', at least I did. I wanted to be there for you through ups and downs, I wanted to celebrate all the little joys in life and I wanted to hold your hand when all the joy was lost. But 'All' was gone with every text we didn't send, every call we didn't make, and every word we didn't say to make each other stay. 'All' is this imaginary scene that I wished for. Its the day dreaming that never became reality, no matter how bad I wanted it.

'Or' is where you wanted to stay. It was the bridge between relationship and friendship. You wanted to stay here for as long as we could. Because in your mind that is exactly what you wanted, to be my friend today, but hold me like your girl tomorrow. This is torture. This is me waking up everyday telling myself to hide the feelings that I obviously had. This was holding on to something so lost, it would never recover. I knew that 'Or' had to stop when the boundaries between what was meant for friends and what wasn't were so blurred that I couldn't even remember where I had drawn the line.

So this is where 'Nothing' comes in. This is what I have chose. It may seem harsh, but it's what I have to do in order to move on. 'Nothing' is hard at first. I have become too good at avoiding you, and I leave our encounters strictly for when were with mutual friends. I stay civil and cool in order to hide the pain. Because all I really want to know is how you have been. But I know if I open the door, it will take way too long to close it again. So I stick with 'Nothing', staying strong for myself, because I finally have chosen my own happiness.

I'm breaking up with the normal "something is better than nothing", because 'Nothing' sucks sometimes, but I will never have it 'All', and 'Or' is a torture I'm not willing to endure.