This is most likely going to be a brain dump, one that makes no sense to you reading it, but has been rattling around in my brain for a while and for the sake of my mental health needs to get out in some medium or another. So you are the lucky ones (or unlucky perhaps). But basically I am sad. Not like clinically depressed sad, but rather a general air of disappointment in myself, and how my sometimes stupid actions have led me to this disappointment.

Now before you get all nuts thinking that I’m nothing but a sad sack that complains about everything let me tell you, I love my life, mostly. I have a family that I know will be there for me when I am teetering on the edge of “has it together” adult and “want to hide in a tree house and color” pretend adult. I have the best people in the world that I call friends, in some cases they are like family to me as well. I am established and successful in my career goals, and truly enjoy learning more, developing my skills and broadening my horizons. I have this little endeavor where I have an outlet to write, which is what I have wanted to do my entire life. But despite all of this, today, I feel sad; because the one thing in my life I don’t have is leaving such an emptiness, such a gaping hole in my soul that despite all these wonderful things in my life, I feel incomplete. I’m missing, love.

Now I am not saying that I am not loved, I am. I am also not saying that I don’t love, I do. I love many people in many different ways, as there are many types of love. Here I am specifically talking about romantic love, which is what we are all desperately seeking. Even the cynical among us who claim to not be interested will eventually succumb to the power and the force of a truly deep and loving connection. The irony of all of this is that it’s my desire to have that kind of love that may be keeping me from obtaining it.

Right now there is a guy that I really like. We started to date and it’s almost like from the beginning something told me he was important. But, because I’m a person and people make mistakes I acted a little bit stupid and now... well I can’t say he’s gone. He’s not. We talk still, but its not the same. It’s like a conciliation prize really. He did try to completely cut me off, but I sort of wouldn’t let him. Now we are “friends” but I’m, of course over here wishing it was more. The most frustrating part is that it was, and it should have been, but, well, then I happened. That is why I’m disappointed and sad.

The rational part of my brain knows that I ruined this, and that because of that fact this will never be what it could have been, or arguably should have been. The emotional part of my brain though, refuses to give up. I should just walk away, leave him be to continue on to find his life and his happiness. It’s not me because I wasn’t who he needed, even if I could have been or even still could be, to him I’m not. It’s selfish of me to hold onto him. I’m being mean to him because I am forcing my way into his life when he doesn’t seem to want me there. I’m being mean to me in that I am purposefully putting myself in a situation where I will be hurt, and it will be my fault because I am the one building up these expectations of what could be, and he isn’t involved in that. So when this all blows up in my face I will be sad that my dreams of us (that he didn’t know existed) didn’t come true.

Now I sit, sadly, as I wait for the deep sadness to show up. And it’s all my doing.

So in this current wave of sad I have decided that I need to care more about me now than what future me wants to have. Sure I still want love, and a family of my own. I can close my eyes and picture that life, but my impatience is my enemy right now. So I will stop. I will leave this guy to be free, and see if he still wants me around when he’s not forced to keep me around. I’ll be true to me, and then maybe everything else will solve itself. To use a corny cooking analogy; It’s time for me to stop stirring and just let the damn thing cook.