A friend of mine was traveling recently, and through a short story filled with a myriad of trials and tribulations, brought up some rather good points that I thought I'd share here today. Let's start off with parking.
Ah yes, airport parking. Most people try to get a friend or relative to drop them off at the airport for their trip but every once in awhile the stars align just right to paint a middle finger in the sky of your particular life. For my friend, this was his middle finger moment. He recounted a tale of navigating the various parking lots and garages offered at his departure point. Of course the cheapest lot was full, that was a no-brainer and honestly, to be expected. When the next lot was also marked full, things became a bit more tense in his beat up Honda Accord, but nonetheless he pushed on. After several loops he finally noticed a hand painted sign pointing down a dirt path that appeared to disappear into complete nothingness. As the sun set on a crisp fall day, the path itself warned of only danger but at this point, my friend would take whatever he could get. Long story short, the lot turned out to be a legitimate airport parking lot, but that didn't detract from the creepy factor of being parked out in the boondocks as the world descended into darkness and your only comfort was an elderly man five-hundred feet away in a run-down metal box.
Regardless, my friend eventually made it to the airport and everyone's favorite section of the adventure, security. Oh airport security, what to say about you? While you are of course important, one can't help but wonder if there's a more efficient way to check for bottles of shampoo. Perhaps it's because you give us too much thinking time, looping through the rows of belted lines, like cattle being lead to slaughter. It's in these moments, as the obviously sickly woman behind you coughs mucus onto the back of your neck that one becomes a bit irritated by the overall process, mentally damning the various individuals that forces us to raise security measures to threat level alpha.
With security out of the way, my friend told me of his next step in the flight process, waiting. He began describing the various people that he saw as he waited for his flight to board. As I imagined the bald, heavy set man with a too-tight fanny pack and the elderly woman's hair who, as he described it, "Looked like the Northern Lights had thrown up on her head." I realized just how much of a melting-pot the airport truly is.
For the purpose of the rest of this story, it's important to note that the particular airline my friend was flying didn't have predetermined seating. Instead, upon check in you were assigned a seating wave (letters) and a position among that wave (numbered 1-60). With this knowledge in mind, allow me to set the scene that was so eloquently described to me just a few nights ago.
When the pleasant airline employee announced that section B was now boarding and asked all in section B to line up numerically, my friend did as instructed. Arriving by the roughly marked poles that sectioned off numbers into fives, my friend found his position close to the head of the boarding pack (his boarding pass reading B 04). It was here that he met Stink-Eye. Stink-Eye's description will mostly be left vague but for the sake of the story she will be known as a heavier, middle-aged woman who had no other look than the "stink-eye".
For those of you not well versed in what the "stink-eye" is, imagine someone smelling a positively awful smell while at the same time being constipated, but this is all displayed through only her eyes. Stink-Eye was B 05, my friend noted as he stood somewhat beside her, but slightly in front of her as well. Seeing my friend line up in his proper position set off the stinkiest of stink-eyes that have ever been witnessed. Why? The world may never know.
My friend could feel the white-hot stare of this woman burrowing holes into the side of his skull as he waited patiently for his group to board. As the line began to move, Stink-Eye exhibited a sudden burst of speed, catching my friend off guard as she hip-checked him out of the way and straight to the airline employee conducting boarding. This left my friend dazed, confused, and even a bit sore as his entire body was suddenly jarred by the mass of a full-grown woman hot to trot to get the best gosh darn aisle seat available (aside from the one's already taken by the 63 other people that had boarded earlier). As he handed his own boarding pass to the airline employee, he could only wonder that if people were this cut throat for seats on a fifty-minute plane ride, the future was looking a bit bleak.
Speaking of seats, in comes seating arrangements. Now, mind you, before anyone had boarded at all the airline employee had announced not once, but thrice, that this was a full flight and there would not be a single empty seat. Now imagine my friend's surprise when he finally stepped on the plane, right on Stink-Eye's heels mind you, only to see a plane filled with people sitting in either the window seat or the aisle seat. This left a collection of middle seats wide open. Don't get me wrong, I get it, the middle seats suck. I won't argue you on that. That being said, do not huff and gruff and whine like children when someone asks you to get up so they can slide into the middle seat. What were you expecting? They announced it was a full flight, did you think they would notice that only middle seats were open and throw the rest of the paying customers off? Simply so you could enjoy a bit more armrest room? My friend was simply astounded when his request to sit in a middle seat was met with a look that could have only been mastered under the watchful and abrasive tutelage of Stink-Eye herself.
If you've read this far, I applaud you and want you to know that my friend did leave off by saying the flight itself was quite pleasant and quick, giving special consideration to the staff of the plane. Flying isn't all bad, but it's certainly a unique experience each and every time. To any of my readers traveling this coming holiday season, best of luck and pay particular attention to the alignment of the stars as you plan your trip.
