I've spent the better part of the last few days speaking to people who are actively engaged in age gap relationships. Most of them have had anywhere from an eight to almost thirty year age difference and their relationships seem to be almost as normal as everyone else's. I think we are quick to judge relationships in terms of age and what we see as "normal."
I gained many different insights from so many people who are all so diverse. Each opinion differed, but virtually said the same thing. So, I pulled out the top seven most recurrent factors through each conversation I've had and I compiled them all up into one list here.
1. The younger partner's parents seem to have a hard time understanding or accepting the relationship.
I think we can all relate to the stresses of having a parent not agree with a decision we make, especially when it is one that we feel strongly about. I talked to one man who said that he doesn't meet the parents of the younger party until he knows it's serious,mainly due to the age gap, because of the way parents react. One woman said that while it doesn't directly impact her, her partner has a hard time with it because she's around her parents a lot and they strongly disagree with her decision.
2. There aren't a lot of things you can't do in an age gap relationship you wouldn't be doing if you were in a normal relationship.
Most people I talked to said they treated this relationship as if it were any other relationship they had. One couple said marriage was out of the question because of the age gap. This was the only real drawback I seemed to encounter through each discussion I had. One man said he'd hold her hand in the mall and take her out to dinner just like he would if she were someone of his own age. A lot of people made the comment that if their partner is 18-21, they obviously can't do things like go to a bar and drink and one man said he wouldn't want to have kids because he would rather not be 75-years-old when his child goes off to college.
3. The most beneficial thing each party brings is themselves and their personality.
The younger party brings energy, curiosity and wide-eyed wonder. Some people felt like dating younger made them feel younger and some felt like it helped to keep them younger. A lot of the men I talked to said if they did want children, dating younger was the more logical thing to do. On the flip side, the older party felt they could bring their knowledge of the world to the relationship. They also bring experience, stability and maturity. The older partner can offer support and guidance in almost every area of their lives, which can be extremely beneficial to the younger party. The older person may be able to show you the reality of the world without making you afraid to be in it. One woman I spoke to said, "I keep him young and he keeps me grounded." Personally, I think this really sums up the whole article.
4. You have to learn the public's opinion of you doesn't matter.
A reoccurring theme throughout the interviews was having to learn to not care what people think about you and your relationship. People are going to look, they will stare, because it's different. What we're doing here isn't considered the norm in our society. We're going against the grain. Essentially, you have to take the attitude of knowing no one else's opinion matters or your relationship will suffer. Just get out there and have fun with it!
5. Most of those I talked to said they make the decision to date younger.
A majority of the older parties I spoke to said they choose to date younger because younger people do the things they like more often than people of their own ages. A lot of them, I found, enjoyed going out, enjoying sports and doing things the younger generation would be doing anyway. On the same note, a lot of men just said dating younger was their personal preference. There was one couple I spoke to who had a different opinion. He said he never really chooses to date younger, but if it happens, he won't turn away from it. She said to not date someone just because of the fact they are older as a relationship can't be based solely off of that.
6. Patience and empathy are beyond important.
There will be times in the relationship when it gets frustrating, due to the age gap. There will be times when you need someone who just gets it. Who just gets what you're saying or what you're feeling. So, during these times, you have to dig out patience and try to understand things from the other person's perspective. Having a good group of friends around you and your age can also be extremely beneficial.
7. You need to be able to find common ground.
Don't rush into the relationship. As with any other relationship, you need to take the time to get to know them. The age gap can sometimes cause you to not relate to another person and without some type of common ground, it would be incredibly hard to build a relationship. Make sure you have some of the same interests.
If we take a look back throughout history, we can find where age gaps were common. We will find they were normal, that society didn't find them to be gross or disturbing. In talking to these people, I have found age gaps can be so caring and loving and, quite honestly, like any other relationship you'll ever have. So, don't limit yourself. Get out there, have fun and be safe.
