I was so broken for so long.
I made decisions that had no positive impacts on myself, or the people around me. I'll just put this out there, first loves fucking suck.
What's worse, is when you are not the first love back for that person. For a long time- I convinced myself that my first love, wasn't. I told myself constantly that this person came into my life for no other reason than to help me find someone else.
To an extent I think that was true.
Finding love for the second time was very different than the first. We all know how that story goes. But, even then, you would creep back in. How do you come to the terms with the fact that your first love still exists somewhere in your mind. Its ridiculously difficult. The guilt overcomes you, and makes you feel like you did something wrong; that still loving them was wrong.
People have come and gone in my life- and through it all, there is still a piece of you in me.
It took me four years to actually understand that I had never let you go; never moved on. The beginning stages of this realization killed me, and I was broken all over again. I was right back to my seventeen year old self, crying over the one who would never love me the way I wanted them to.
We managed to do something that complicated things. You and I always complicate things.
After the initial shock of it all, things settled down and I was miserable, with more feelings than I knew what to do with. I replayed memories in my head until i drove myself mad. I came to the terms with the fact that it still wasn't our time, and thats okay.
It kills me though- the unknowing.
It scares me, taking a step into the unknown. It would be so easy for me to stay here, to just exist in this space where I know I am comfortable, waiting around, not letting myself experience things. Yet, I have this undeniable force pulling me toward something that I have never known before.
"I don't think you have ever truly gotten over them" No. I haven't. Maybe it took all of this to get me over it. I don't know. What I do know, is that I am starting to feel something again.
I get butterflies in my stomach when they're around. I smile more than I have in a year. I don't know what this means, and the thought of everything that has happened in the past three months is holding me back.
"It sounds like you two need each other."
My skin crawls thinking about hurting over you. So, maybe i'm ready to move on. Maybe that kills you, and I'm sorry. "I'm happy" means something completely different now than it did a year ago.
I am terrified that this is it, but only time can tell.
So first love, I will put you back in my head for a while longer.
It was nice catching up.