I fell in love once.

He was my best friend. He has been the only person I ever saw a future with and even thought about starting a family with. The one I wanted to experience many firsts with.

The firsts I only experienced with him was that he was my first love and my first real heartbreak.

Since him, I have craved to find the same feelings he gave me but my luck has been the worst. I ended up dating a real piece of work for almost two years to see if I could fall in love again. Yet, that now ex-boyfriend and I were so on-and-off during that time that I never fell in love with him. I could never say it back when he said he loved me because I knew he didn't mean it. He always tried to pressure me into things I was never comfortable with and when I refused, he would go out and cheat on me constantly, which was something I found out after the last time I took him back. He left me with a lot of trust issues and feeling afraid to look for someone to love.

We finally broke up for the very last time back in March 2018 and to this day I still feel like an idiot for always taking him back just because all I wanted was to fall in love like the way I loved my first love.

I started to casually date right after my breakup to see where it would take me and it led me places, alright.

Although I'm having my fun, I feel so lost in those places because I don't know if I'll ever fall in love once I close my casual dating chapter.

I fear putting my vulnerability on the table and getting heartbroken again because it is the worst feeling ever to get your heart ripped apart from your soul. Falling in love has been one of my biggest regrets if I'm being completely honest. Of course, being in love made me feel good and I wish I had words to explain how amazing it truly felt but unfortunately I don't. Yet, when I lost the person I loved, I felt like I messed it up and I shouldn't have never fallen in love because it left me hurt and alone.

Love takes a lot of work and effort and even makes you come out of your comfort zone, which is not necessarily a bad thing but after the heartbreak, it leaves you questioning if the pain is worth doing it again.

I want to fall in love again but I am very afraid if it comes to an end and leaves me feeling a bigger void than the other heartbreak I endured, I don't know if it's worth doing it again but we shall see where life will take me.