Advice, Tips, And General Know-How For The Adorably Naive College Freshman And/Or Woman
Start writing a post
Entertainment

Advice, Tips, And General Know-How For The Adorably Naive College Freshman And/Or Woman

First wave, INCOMING!

71
Advice, Tips, And General Know-How For The Adorably Naive College Freshman And/Or Woman
Treehugger.com

A new school year dawns upon the various campuses of higher education across not only the great United States, but the world at large, provided they're not suffering from lack of funds or within an active warzone.

And with this emerging dawn comes a whole new crop of Freshmen and Freshwomen ready to have their expectations of University fulfilled for a full two weeks before the propaganda teams strip away the shiny veneer of their respective institutions, leaving behind a cold, grim reality in which few will endure.

For those who do manage to make it, and even for those who are doomed--you won't know who you are until it's too late--here's some handy-dandy advice, tips, and general know-how you can use and/or look upon in retrospective reproachfullness to help you "survive" college.

1. Campus life can take some getting used to, so follow in the footsteps of your older colleagues and sedate your terror and loneliness with as much illegally-captured alcohol as you can manage. Throw in some hard narcotics to really forget where you are and who you're afraid to become.

2. Your advisers are always willing to help you out, no matter what sticky situation you've gotten into. Whether it's picking classes for next semester, dealing with negative emotions, or hiding that final body of the semester, just remember--money, and a loaded .44, are universal motivators.

3. Always remember, the hypno-screens are there for your protection.

4. If you're seeking to overthrow the bourgeoisie regime, check out the campus resource center, and make sure to get all the proper permits before attempting to upset the established social order.

5. It's not uncommon for rival Universities to mount a hostile, and oftentimes heavily-militarized, takeover of your campus. In the event of such an occurrence, remember that you abdicated your freewill in collegiate wartime via the fine print on your student loans.*

6. Always remember, the hypno-screens are there for your protection.

7. Try broadening your horizons by taking a foreign language. Russian is a great example, as it is a wonderfully complex language with a long history and beautiful phraseology, with one such notable phrase being, " Клеопатра говорит, что будет снег с запада."

For those who understand, please report to the Alpha Rendezvous Point of your designated Pacification Zone.

For those who do not understand, please take Russian.

8. Believe it or not, many Universities offer on-campus employment for those brash young souls who wish to find work. Whether you're manning and/or womanning the security desk or constructing the war machines of the new order, keep in mind that those N.D.A.'s you signed contain a LETHALLY IMPORTANT sub-clause that could bear a few repeat readings.

9. Whatever happens in college, always remember that no one's happiness is above your own. So go out and enjoy yourself. Go to the concert, enjoy the hypno show, tear away from all those screens, be who you are, and go see what's out there. This is your time. Make the most of it.

10. For your protection.


*Those who do not have student loans will be given box seat tickets to the various theaters of combat. Complementary heated seats and champagne will be given out before the start of every proletariat blood bath. The purveyors of the ensuing conflict wish each and every non-loaner an enjoyable spectating experience.


Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

What Your Car's Color Says About Your Personality

Your color choice speaks volumes. It doesn't just emit an image for the car, it also says something about your style and personality! It's a form of self-expression. Are you confident? Are you sophisticated? Are you easy-going? Are you outgoing? Are you practical? As you're reviewing car sites for your next car purchase, what color will you opt for? Find out what certain color choices says about you!

90480

When it comes to car shopping you likely have certain preferences, including what color it should be. Your color choice speaks volumes. It doesn't just emit an image for the car, it also says something about your style and personality! It's a form of self-expression. Are you confident? Are you sophisticated? Are you easy-going? Are you outgoing? Are you practical? As you're reviewing car sites for your next car purchase, what color will you opt for? Find out what certain color choices says about you!

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

30 Songs On My Back-To-School Playlist For Walks To And From Class

Headed back to in-person classes means you need a pretty banging playlist to power you through those walks to class.

80902
Photo by Zen Chung on Pexels

I don't know about you, but I start each day off with a one-mile walk to class. I have to have good tunes flowing through my ears during those 20 minutes, not to mention the walks between classes and the walks home. So, here is my 30 song playlist to get me through this almost unfamiliar concept we call walking to class.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Be Kind to Yourself: 8 Mental Health Tips to Try

One way you can improve your quality of life is to take care of your mental health. As a result, you'll feel less depressed and be able to enjoy spending time with friends and family more often. These mental health tips might be just what you need to forget about your problems.

47773

One way you can improve your quality of life is to take care of your mental health. As a result, you'll feel less depressed and be able to enjoy spending time with friends and family more often. These mental health tips might be just what you need to forget about your problems.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Should You Own An SUV If You Live In A Snowy state?

There are many reasons to own an SUV. If you live in a cold state or a rural area, you will see that owning an SUV is very important.

44438

The gas and oil prices are too high to run in a smaller vehicle. You are better off with an SUV for hauling cargo and driving larger loads around the town. In addition, owning an SUV is more comfortable and safe than driving a smaller vehicle.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Understanding Why Dog's Lick You

It is a natural instinct for dogs to lick

57592

Why do dogs lick?

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments