A new school year dawns upon the various campuses of higher education across not only the great United States, but the world at large, provided they're not suffering from lack of funds or within an active warzone.

And with this emerging dawn comes a whole new crop of Freshmen and Freshwomen ready to have their expectations of University fulfilled for a full two weeks before the propaganda teams strip away the shiny veneer of their respective institutions, leaving behind a cold, grim reality in which few will endure.

For those who do manage to make it, and even for those who are doomed--you won't know who you are until it's too late--here's some handy-dandy advice, tips, and general know-how you can use and/or look upon in retrospective reproachfullness to help you "survive" college.

1. Campus life can take some getting used to, so follow in the footsteps of your older colleagues and sedate your terror and loneliness with as much illegally-captured alcohol as you can manage. Throw in some hard narcotics to really forget where you are and who you're afraid to become.

2. Your advisers are always willing to help you out, no matter what sticky situation you've gotten into. Whether it's picking classes for next semester, dealing with negative emotions, or hiding that final body of the semester, just remember--money, and a loaded .44, are universal motivators.

3. Always remember, the hypno-screens are there for your protection.

4. If you're seeking to overthrow the bourgeoisie regime, check out the campus resource center, and make sure to get all the proper permits before attempting to upset the established social order.

5. It's not uncommon for rival Universities to mount a hostile, and oftentimes heavily-militarized, takeover of your campus. In the event of such an occurrence, remember that you abdicated your freewill in collegiate wartime via the fine print on your student loans.*

6. Always remember, the hypno-screens are there for your protection.

7. Try broadening your horizons by taking a foreign language. Russian is a great example, as it is a wonderfully complex language with a long history and beautiful phraseology, with one such notable phrase being, " Клеопатра говорит, что будет снег с запада."

For those who understand, please report to the Alpha Rendezvous Point of your designated Pacification Zone.

For those who do not understand, please take Russian.

8. Believe it or not, many Universities offer on-campus employment for those brash young souls who wish to find work. Whether you're manning and/or womanning the security desk or constructing the war machines of the new order, keep in mind that those N.D.A.'s you signed contain a LETHALLY IMPORTANT sub-clause that could bear a few repeat readings.

9. Whatever happens in college, always remember that no one's happiness is above your own. So go out and enjoy yourself. Go to the concert, enjoy the hypno show, tear away from all those screens, be who you are, and go see what's out there. This is your time. Make the most of it.

10. For your protection.

*Those who do not have student loans will be given box seat tickets to the various theaters of combat. Complementary heated seats and champagne will be given out before the start of every proletariat blood bath. The purveyors of the ensuing conflict wish each and every non-loaner an enjoyable spectating experience.