Everyone remembers their first heartbreak. Mine? A gloomy Wednesday, third period, sophomore year––you can imagine the scene. Let me tell you, that first one's trouble. We call them the boomerang. They always come back around for round two, three, okay, maybe five.
It's a funny thing, actually, how you can want something so bad for a time, cry over it when it's out of reach, and miss is so hard for a while after, and then a day comes where that very thing falls into the palm of your hand and you realize you don't even want it anymore. Back then you would have done anything to hear the words you're hearing now but a year and a half later they're diminished, empty, irrelevant. It's sad how quickly our hearts change. It's like you can never really trust what's in there because the past is romanticized, the present is disillusioned and the future is always a million miles away. You know the end goal and you think you recognize the steps one takes to get there but all of a sudden you don't know anything because those steps are being taken and you still find yourself right back where you started, numb and uncertain. I've always struggled with choices. I was told once that people never really make choices; life just runs its course and you have to go along with what it gives you and what it takes away. We think we choose our own futures but truth is you can't change feelings, circumstances, and situations so in a way almost all things are out of your control.
If there's one thing I know it's that everything inside you has a mind of its own: you can't force yourself to want a particular person or thing. Your heart decides for you. Some people know their hearts well enough to make those decisions consciously. Others, like myself, are constantly being surprised and disappointed by what or who is or isn't in their hearts. Mostly it's an adventure but it's also a whirlwind of constant conflict and confusion. Life's about taking chances, hoping for the best, finding a glimpse of faith in the unknown and being confident that if you listen to your heart you'll come out the other side knowing you were true to yourself and handled the decisions of your fickle heart with as much grace as you could. It's about making peace with the fact that life runs its course with or without you. Believe me when I say it's gonna hurt; there's gonna be a lot of heartache in letting go of that sliver of control. But you have to know it'll be worth it because when you find that thing, that person that your heart agrees with you'll understand all of it, every decision your heart has made up to that point. The truth is, we're all lost. But, the best chance we have is to wander this life with our hearts as our guides.
