Donuts and RedBull for breakfast, put on my plaid skirt and polo shirt, nap instead of workout, repeat. This was basically my life in high school. I was always an average, smaller person so I didn't feel the need to workout or eat healthy. Back then I had so much confidence. I went to a small school so for me it was easier to feel beautiful because there was less "competition" or comparison. I felt like I was just as skinny as my tall model-like friends or just as pretty as those upper classgirls that I looked up to. I knew I had flaws but I didn't really care or let them bother me. But one day a switch flipped in me; a bad switch.
A flip almost like when Adam and Eve realized they were naked. I started really seeing my flaws and I would deal with them in two total opposite ways. One moment I would look in the mirror and only see flaws reflecting back at me. Just a chunky, pimpled, stretch marked (even before baby), cellulite cursed, big-nosed, with a weird chin body. So I would cover it all up with pounds of makeup, loose/extra modest clothing and 'perfectly' curled poofed hair. But even after trying to cover it all, I was still ashamed of what was underneath it all. I was always afraid that someone would notice my flaws. I hated seeing myself in a mirror or in a picture because I couldn't find the good in myself, I could only see my flaws. But then on other girls, I didn't see any flaws, I only saw their perfect features that I didn't have.
In the attempt that no one would notice my flaws, came my second form of dealing with them: fake self-love. I would go into this overconfident mode that was fueled by seeking others flaws (something totally opposite of what I used to do). I know... that's terrible but I put this out there in hopes that my honesty helps someone else. I would look at someone that I was intimidated by and find a flaw on them and say to myself thinking, "at least mine's not that bad" or "they're way too skinny, I would never want to look like that." I would just pretend I had no flaws and try to be that self-loving person I used to be. But it never worked because it was backed by putting others down in my head.
When I would get together with a group of girls, I would pretend to love myself and act like I have no flaws or even talk down on myself depending on what defense mechanism I felt like using that day. They would all be open and honest about the flaws they struggle with. Then I would just sit and listen while trying to provide compliments for them acting like I can't relate; I would do this because I was afraid if I voiced my flaws, it would make them more noticeable to everyone. Or on the otherhand, I would even over exaggerate my flaws (only the ones I didn't think were as bad, the lesser of all my flaws) thinking that if they did ever notice them, they would think "Oh that's not that bad." A lie girls should never let their minds accept. It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks but how you accept yourself.
So now is where I'm supposed to tell you that I'm 100 percent healed from this and how I don't think or act like this anymore. Well, I can't exactly say that. I tried things such as basically starving myself, depriving myself of the calories my body needs daily and working out at least once a day. I was in the best shape of my life but I still had flaws and wasn't happy (quite hangry actually). I also tried the whole eating your feelings thing but that only brought temporary happiness followed by regret and tummy aches (once again reminding me of Adam and Eve). So I did what I should have done in the first place which was standing on scriptures, praying about it and continuing to work on it every day! Things that have helped are listening to songs like Gold by Britt Nicole instead of songs that objectify women and make you feel that you aren't 'rap video worthy.' Actually fixing my hair with my money products and putting on my lipsense (yes that was totally a sales pitch lol but they help me feel confident and beautiful). And working out a couple times a week while trying to make healthy substitutions every now and then. I encourage you to do things to help you feel great about yourself. Whether it is getting fixed up, working out, etc. Find the beauty in yourself AND in others around you. I like to think that we have flaws to keep us humble. Open up to someone about things you're dealing with. Most importantly I encourage you to seek a genuine relationship with Jesus. In Him, I always find confidence and joy! He never fails to provide me comfort!
I hope this helped someone out there if you need someone to talk to contact me! I'm an imperfect person who's still working on myself, so we could probably help each other!
