Relationships with family, friends, and significant others are strong when founded in respect, communication, and forgiveness. If you think yours are, then why has there been so much tension recently? Perhaps a friendship isn’t what it used to be. Or phone calls with family cause anxiety. Or every date night ends in the quiet treatment and you don’t know where to begin fixing it because you both have different perspectives you no longer share with one another.

To put it simply, relationships are complex. Even the strongest can be brought down by small, festering problems that were once none-issues. Unresolved disagreements or slights, communication habits, poor listening, and/or a lack of introspection can ruin the best, long-lasting relationships if left unchecked. By our mid-20s, everyone has had relationship fall apart – and some of us realize it was OUR fault. When we experience strain or tension in a relationship, we tend to avoid it and hope that it just goes away. That is NOT how we strengthen relationships.

If you are concerned about the direction any of your relationships are going, then you might want to consider the following points. They are a few of the ways we accidentally push others away, and may apply to you, the other person, or both.

Blame the Other Party

"You don't call or text me. I always reach out to you."

If you have ever wanted to stop communication dead in its tracks, start right here. Starting a text conversation or calling someone with this beauty is sure to cause resentment and frustration. It may be true, but what response are you expecting? You may get lucky if they acknowledge it as true, but that’s as frequent as an onion ring in your fries order. Think about it from another point of view – do you respond well when someone constantly reminds you that you don’t call or text? Or, does the reminder inspire renewed fervor in communication? Not really.

"You're always busy."

We are all busy. If you have said this to someone recently, I can promise it wasn’t received well. Have you been living your life, and a friend who has tried to hang out twice tells you that you’re always busy and don’t have time for them? Or vice versa? I’m extremely guilty of this one because I fall prey to feeling unwanted in one moment and think it’s someone else’s problem. I remind myself, “I’M NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!”

Listen to What They Say, Not What You Want to Hear

Is it OUR plan? Or YOUR plan.

Being on the same page is the tops. Goals are aligned, thoughts are meshing, and you’re finishing each other’s sandwiches (that’s what I was going to say! I love Frozen). When you’re not on the same page, relationships can become tense pretty quickly. How did you fall out of unison? Experience has told me it’s because we forget to listen to our partners/friends/family and appreciate what THEY want. They might nod and agree with your ideas and thoughts, but have you noticed they don’t bring anything to the table? If you know your ideas for the relationship are what’s best and blindly accept the other person’s acceptance, stop. That’s a sign that they no longer share because you are so caught up with your own fantasies.

Have you Affirmed or Reassured them?

Just because you get the other person to share their thoughts, ideas, and goals for the relationship, they might not be telling the truth. Don’t look at it as lying, but as considerations. When we care about someone, we change and adapt because their happiness becomes a priority – sometimes to the point we forget our own. If you feel tension with someone and think it’s because you aren’t on the same page, give them a chance to share AND reassure them it’s okay to speak freely. You want to hear their actual thoughts and ideas, not what they think you want to hear – which sounds ludicrous when read out loud.

Forgive and Forget!

Don't make mountains out of Vole hills.

Before delving into the “forgive and forget” concept, take some reflection time to see what has caused issues recently. You may find that the recent arguments or tension actually date back to a month ago when you were sensitive and they didn’t put dishes away as well as they should have. Should we do everything to the best of our abilities? Yes. Do we? Not really. The point is, don’t let something insignificant turn into something more. If we all did that, relationship lifespans would shrink to days...maybe weeks.

For example, I put the TP on the roller and someone else doesn’t *cough, hack, grunt, Stephanie*. Can it be annoying? Like, one time it was a little bit. But if that is going to be the cause for stress in my relationship and where I draw the line, then something deeper may be bothering me.

Give a genuine, earnest apology.

We are adults. If you say sorry with even an ounce of attitude, exasperation, eye roll, or anything in between, then you are the problem. If you have ever been indignant during an apology, then please rethink your whole outlook on life. Mistakes will always be made, both large and small. I know that from experience and I will mess up again in the future. What’s beautiful is the apology and what it represents: acknowledgement that I’ve done wrong, that I’m humbled in your eyes, how I will improve myself because of the experience, and a pleading request for your forgiveness.

True forgiveness is idealistic. If you accept the apology, you are letting it go.*

*Two Frozen quotes in one article. Have a magical day!

If you forgive but don’t forget, then you haven’t gotten over it and are harboring something. Over time, it can lead to resentment. Forgiveness doesn’t have to come immediately, and it may take some time. Forgetting doesn’t mean literally forgetting an event, either. But to truly forgive is to overcome what has happened and move forward free of the experience. So if your friend lies to you, apologizes, and you TRULY forgive them, you are giving your trust back. Next time they make a promise, you don’t hold them accountable to the time they lied.

This is not an easy concept to grasp, and it is much more complex than this elementary overview. But the gist is: any of these could cause anxiety, stress, and tension in your relationship. Through unbiased personal reflection, you can ease that tension and become close again in the relationship! Let it go!