Hey party people! We hope your first week back at school was great! Our guest columnist this week is Jake Clark from Sigma Chi. He has a hot beard so if you like mountain men, hit him up! Thanks for all the questions, but don’t forget to keep sending them to scott201@purdue.edu and 3179791026.

Dear Claire and Abby,

My boyfriend just started his 10 month jail sentence. I get to visit him every other week, but I don’t know how I’m going to live like this for that long. I already miss his tattoos and nipple piercings and I need your advice to make it through this tough time.

Sincerely, Boyfriend Behind Bars 

Dear Boyfriend Behind Bars,               

We recently started watching Orange is the New Black and jail looks really fun. Maybe you should commit a misdemeanor to land yourself in jail because it looks kind of like summer camp. If this seems to be too much for you, maybe you should just buy yourself a body pillow and give it some nipple piercings. 

Sincerely, Claire and Abby   

Dear Claire and Abby,             

I’m super excited for football season because I love getting paired up with a football buddy. This year, I’ve already had three different guys ask me to be their buddies. This is understandable because I’m really pretty and cool and fun, but I just don’t know who to choose. They’re fighting over me and I don’t want this to be an awkward situation. 

Sincerely, Buddy Bandit  

Dear Buddy Bandit,             

First of all, I don’t know why any of these guys would want to be your buddy when you sound so conceited. But, since for some reason they do, we can help you out. We suggest you pick the buddy that’s the hottest. That’s really the only fair way to choose. I’m sure you can pair the other guys up with some of your less hot friends. 

Sincerely, Clabby 

Dear Claire and Abby, 

I have a huge problem. I have a really nice body and spend a lot of time at the gym, but I think I have an ugly face. Girls don’t pay me any attention unless I have my shirt off. I just want a quality girl who likes the whole package, but most girls just can’t seem to get past my ugly face. Please help. 

Sincerely, 10 From the Neck Down   

Dear 10 From the Neck Down,             

So I can how you can be frustrated with this but you have three options to choose from. One is that you never wear a shirt again. Two is that you either wear a ski mask or paper bag. Both of those are quite ridiculous. The third option is changing up your facial appearance. You could whiten your teeth for example, but growing facial hair could be something that makes you more unique to certain women. All of these could work but I would go with option number 3. 

Sincerely, Jake Clark