I remember the case manager and the psychologist sitting across from me in the room, examining my situation. They decided the darkness in my head could be explained at least a little bit with the words Persistent Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder with features of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and possible Borderline Personality Disorder, which was confirmed to be true later on by my therapist.
To most, this would be a scary list of disorders. I cannot say I was pleased with hearing it, I would certainly have at least another disorder stacked on top of all that if I found pleasure in my illness. I was relieved though. I was relieved to have answers, to know that the symptoms I had felt for the past decade were not really who I was, but instead were caused by something affecting me, something that I could learn about and try to understand.
Yes, maybe if it had just been who I was, it would be easier to change. I would have control over it, I could just learn to adjust my actions. But I did not want to think of myself as a person that was capable of the pain and damage that had occurred in my mind and life.
I know that it will be difficult. I could write an article about each and every one of those disorders, but I find that to be too complex. Just because I have those disorders, does not mean I am an expert and should be trying to educate people on them. The only case I can educate on is my own. Mental health disorders show differently in every single person. I doubt that any cases are exactly the same. They can variate in severity extremely. What is important is that help is available no matter the number of symptoms or the level of mental anguish.
To me, Borderline was the most shocking diagnosis. In the past decade, I have thoroughly researched mental disorders, having high interest in them for a multitude of reasons. I want to be aware of what is occurring in the people around me, and I found myself beginning to understand my own mind more also. But Borderline never stood out to me. I never really looked into it, I never tried to fully understand it. Today, though, I laugh at the thought of somebody saying I do not have it. It is a clear case, an almost perfect match.
I was thankful for that because I could take the steps needed to begin treatment. I knew where to start, I was not just home feeling bad anymore. I knew much effort had to be put in, but I knew a world of options had been opened for me. I would not call myself an optimistic person, but I was willing to try to become one.
I'm on the move to become a healthy person, even as I find myself swimming in darkness. I'm willing to try to get out of it. I'm here for the fight. Let the diagnosis strengthen your fight, not push you down in fear.
