When I look back at my childhood, I never really had low self-esteem. I was a carefree child, and I think I managed to carry that into adulthood. It wasn’t until now that I look at my high school years and I realize that maybe I never really was myself, and I just went through multiple phases to find the right people I get along with and what makes me feel comfortable. Even though now I’ve weeded out all of the toxic people in my life, and I feel comfortable with who I’ve become, I don’t think I really love myself, I’ve just come to accept myself for who I am.
The media always tells women to empower ourselves and to love ourselves before we can love anybody else. As a teenager, I was constantly looking at myself in the mirror, judging my body, the way I did my makeup, my hair, how I dressed and I just got used to that. At the same time as I was trying to make myself feel good about who I am, I found myself telling myself that I am my own worst critic, and I will always judge myself no matter what; it is part of being a woman.
Now as I enter my early 20s, I still judge my body, my makeup, my hair and the way I dress. I got comfortable with a certain hairstyle. I got comfortable with my makeup routine. I found a sense of style that I think suits my body and the image I want to portray. Just the same, finding ways to work out and diet to look better, better makeup techniques to cover imperfections and investing in products that will make my hair better than how it grows out of my head have also become part of my routine.
I’ve gotten comfortable with knowing that even if I don’t like something about myself, there are ways to change it. It is because of the things that I got comfortable with that I got into bad habits. I feel that I cannot leave my house without makeup on because I’ll look different from how I usually look to the rest of the world. I won’t post a selfie with at least one filter over it to give me that extra “glow” to do what I think makes me look better. When I choose an outfit, I think about who might see me that day, and what I would want them to think about how I dress.
It is important to teach young girls that it is OK to not love yourself just yet and that it is a work in progress. Trends, social media and celebrities continuously change, and it often makes us feel like we need to live up to that. If you can, then great. If you can’t, it’s OK. Loving yourself as you discover who you really are takes time, and it is not something that comes easy.
I accept that my body is still not how I want it to look, and I am working on it. I accept that I have imperfections due to acne, and I know they’ll go away with time. I accept that I sometimes do dress for other people, and there will come a time when I truly will just dress for me. I accept that I have gotten comfortable in my own skin, and I may not love myself yet, but I also accept that I am working my way up there.
