“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” asked the question: “why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” This question is answered by the wise (and very hot) Paul Rudd, to which he responds: we accept the love we think we deserve.

Now, when this movie came out, I didn’t understand this quote. I was actually quite confused. We accept the love we think we deserve? Isn’t that a stupid statement? Doesn’t everyone think they are deserving of unconditional, limitless love? I was a sophomore in high school, I had no idea what love really was. It was one of those things that I thought I would experience later in life, and I would find someone who I truly thought I deserved—someone who would love me the best they could.

So I dated, and I thought I experienced “love,” but every time it ended, I took a step back and realized I was unsure. Was it love? I think I made myself believe it was, even though inside, I was questioning. I still thought love was this mighty, fantasy-like, thing that I would experience and know undoubtedly what it was.

But, every time I looked back, I was positive that it wasn’t. I was looking for this euphoric moment where the guy I deserved would say he loved me, and I just knew I had to say it back. I thought about it, and wondered if one day I would meet a person that would change my view on the whole thing.

So, I dated and was hopeful.

Have you ever noticed that we go after people who show no interest in us whatsoever? We like the people who don’t text us back or don’t take us out. And, I never realized, until recently, that we really do think we are deserving of this. I reread “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” and the quote actually made sense. I finally related, and understood.

We accept the love we think we deserve… I thought I deserved nothing.

I wanted a guy who made things complicated. I wanted a guy who was unsure of his feelings. I wanted a guy who lied and was simply an asshole. Why? I thought this is what I wanted—I thought this was what I deserved. Now, I didn’t consciously sit and think “yeah, I think I’m going to date a jerk.” I just found myself having feelings for a guy who didn’t put me or my feelings first.

I didn’t sit in my tears and say that I deserved that, but I dealt with it. I sat there and let him control me and how I was feeling. But, why do we put ourselves through this unfixable pain? I thought that’s all I was good for. I thought I deserved a guy like that, because I wasn’t looking for anything better.

Why do so many girls put themselves through sleepless nights and tummy aches and wearing the same unwashed clothes? Why do we cling to their sweatshirt they gave you when everything was good and perfect? We watch our fingertips fall one by one off the cliff—gripping to the idea of the relationship that could be love.

Have you ever thought you weren’t worth it? I have thought countless times that I am worth more than what I offer or what I get. I think I’m worth the drive, but when they don’t want to, I think I am not. I think I’m less. I’m small. I don’t deserve someone who would do anything to see me.

We accept the love we think we deserve—no. Rather, we accept the love that we settle for. I settled for teary nights and confusing conversations when I wanted to see symphonies and museums. I wanted sunset walks and 2 a.m. talks, but I got ignored instead. We accept the love that we settle for.

But, I think I’m worth more than late night texts, and dry conversations. I want something real and raw. I want someone to talk about their favorite books and songs and art with me. Tell me your fears, your dreams, your past—I want to hear it all. I want someone who listens to me, listens to my dreams and believes I can achieve them.

I need to learn to not settle for anything less than that. I refuse to let myself be small in a relationship. I want someone who makes me feel unstoppable—because that’s the love I deserve.