As we grow up moving away to college, forging our place in the world and strengthening new ties, some of us will encounter relationships that are abusive. Whether we ourselves are abused or it's somebody we know, this is something that can change the way we love ourselves and other people. Abuse is more than just physical violence -- it can be verbal, emotional, and confusing. Recently, I participated in a leadership training to help facilitate conversation about this topic and learned some very shocking details. One in three women and one in four men will experience relationship abuse in their lifetime. Abuse can happen to same-sex couples as well as heterosexual couples, to men and women. You need to understand now that it can happen to anyone.
The signs of abuse can be very subtle and unnoticeable to anyone who doesn't know what to look for. It is important to remember that although a person might possess some of these qualities they are not automatically an abuser. Great care should be taken when approaching anyone who you think is abused or an abuser, and, if possible, seek guidance from a school counselor regarding the issue before attempting to intervene. It is also important to know that if you are in a relationship where you are constantly unhappy or feel completely dependent on the other person, this is not healthy and you can find support. Signs of an abuser can be someone who is possessive and jealous. They might force the person to cut ties with friends and family to keep them all to themselves. This is not to say just because you spend a lot of time with you significant other they're trying to control you, but be smart. Often times friends of those who were abused noticed odd behavior that made them uncomfortable but chose to say nothing. Abuse victims often feel embarrassed of their situation and might be made to feel that they deserve it, making it difficult for them to see something inherently wrong with their relationship.
The question, "Why didn't they just walk away?" often comes up during discussions regarding abuse. There can be numerous reasons as to why a person did not or could not leave an abusive relationship and, believe it or not, some of them are even similar to the reasoning of a person who was kidnapped. The most dangerous time for a victim is the period leading up the breakup and up to two years after, with 75 percent of homicides occurring after separation. Abusers tend to make their victims feel isolated and weak, if you felt completely alone how easy for you would it be to walk away?
During my training, we spoke a lot about the signs of an abusive relationship and what could be done to help. Today's society cushions us to not get involved in someone else's business because it can be considered rude or nosy. When dealing with a situation as sensitive as this, especially when it is happening to someone you are close with it is important to be brave and smart. Wouldn't you rather have asked your friend about something odd that happened than hear something bad happened to them? Help can be found in many places starting with friends, family, and school counselors. To learn more about abuse seek out organizations such as the One Love Foundation who help to educate society, especially college students, about the importance of recognizing the signs and offering support for victims.
