This is my first article in which I don't attack a particular subject or event but instead am just blogging how I feel in this moment and going with the flow. I don't know how it will turn out so please bear with me. I've been in a horrid mood for the past 48 hours one. I haven't seen the likes of this mood of in a extremely long time. Now mind you I had my tonsils taken out last week so I shouldn't be skipping around and singing on the top of my lungs but this is different. It's a mash-up of self-pity, hopelessness and melancholy that hopefully comes once every blue moon. This situation wasn't improved by the incident that happened last night. My mother works for herself as a free-lance fundraiser and political consultant in which she owns her own company and recently she found herself being requested by the local Animal Shelter for assistance in raising funds for their operations. This would be sunshine and rainbows if they were a no-kill shelter. They're not. Even though percentages of animals they take in are improving (96 percent down to 60 percent) it's still a situation many of us don't like to think about on the daily. After a tour of the shelter on Friday my mother talked of the cages, workers but most importantly the animals inside them. She also mentioned a cat. A three year old cat with no disabilities but one that would be euthanized within three days if no one adopted her. This is the cat, Charlotte.

Something happened in my heart. It shattered, broke, splintered every synonym you can think of and was filled with dread and despair. It was hopelessness in its purest form but it also made me angry. Not at the people who had to do it, it wasn't their fault, but just at the fact that this was happening and no one was doing anything about it. It seemed cruel and so unjust to do that to some creature that ha even begun to live. I immediately demanded that there must be something she could do; she said that she'd been there two months and that was longer than most of the dogs and cats there get. I knew right then I had to at least try if everyone else in the situation was going to sit by uselessly and watch. I put a ad on my personal Facebook and asked if anyone was looking to adopt in the area then put the same adoption ad on my mother's. When neither were getting any traction I decided just to try my school's Free and For Sale Page, and received six responses in half a hour. Happy end of a sad story right? Wrong. The cat and I live in South Carolina and the want to be owners in my school's state of California in which I don't head back to attend school for, for another six weeks. So that means I have to find her a home for six weeks also but with a full household of pets-my parents weren't keen on the idea. Getting her out there would either be in my car or when I fly out.

This post isn't a call for better animal care in the U.S but more of me trying to blog out my feelings so I can try to see why this incident hit me so greatly. I cried more yesterday then I did leaving my home for my freshman year of college or my entire high school experience. I couldn't sleep last night for more then two hours because I would wake up anxious, my stomach tied in a knot because I was worried about the cat. I would then toss back asleep only to be awaken by myself another two hours later. What is wrong with me? I don't understand myself. It's a cat and this happens everyday to so many that I don't even realize. I've know since I was a child that I feel too much but I forget how much it hurts to feel everything so deeply and personally. I'm attempted to cut off this side of myself and eventually it worked this past year. Freshman year? Awesome. Cool. Fun No pain. But also the happiness? Not as great either. I learned that I was naturally given a strong imagination that transferred well when acting in plays or innate empathic that helped in everyday communications. It seemed what had once made me odd or weird made me special and strong. But the extent of my empathy could be unhealthy as a child and it the incident that happened last night it reared it's ugly head again. I don't know how to describe it when friends ask. The weight of the world just affects me differently. I feel harder. Occurrences that influences others into a type of being just don't do the same for me. When I'm sad, it's earth-shattering. It stops one completely in their tracks with a grasp that refuses to let go until it's sunken into every pore, bone and flesh in their body. It's not very fun. I don't know what I wanted to get out of this piece except that it demanded to come out. So now that THAT's settled..... Who wants a cat?