Life is hard. We were once kids with such a love and excitement to be alive. Some of us, as kids were exposed to how cruel the world is way too soon. Some, on the other hand, lived their childhood to the fullest extent.
Me, I was one of the children to have their childhood taken away. I had to grow up way too soon. I had to fear every day as a little girl if my dad, who was a police officer would come home, or be alive at the end of the day.
When my parents divorced, I didn't really understand why mommy and daddy lived in different houses, or why I couldn't spend my birthday with both of them at the same time. My young mind just couldn't wrap my head around what exactly was happening.
Everything that I once knew was taken away, and I had to completely change who I was, and how I carried myself. I was bullied constantly from 3rd grade through 7th and lost all hope in the ides of happiness. Mom and Dad didn't love each other anymore, I looked at pictures before I was born and saw the happiness in their eyes that wasn't there in pictures after I came along. I had acne before all the other girls, starting wearing a bra before all the other girls, and didn't know what to do with my crazy, curly hair. I didn't look the same as everyone else. And for that, The bullying never got better, only worse as time went on.
Self harming became my only friend. The one thing I could turn to without any questions or weird reactions. I look back now, and think how sad it is that a 3rd grader was cutting herself. And It's sad to me that that 3rd grader, was me.
With all these thoughts and emotions going on, I knew I had to hide those. So, as a result, I got really good at lying. Like, really good. I always told people at school stories about my life that made me sound cooler, so that I'd have more friends. I always told my friends that I was going somewhere super cool, when really, what I was doing was going to my dads work to sit in his office while he would keep the city safe. I lied, constantly. Not only to those around me, but to myself.
Needless to say, that lying trait is still carried in me. I still find myself struggling to tell people who I really am and explain why I am the way I am.
I've hurt people with those lies, and have lost many friends due to the issue. Many people have given up on me, and honestly, I don't blame them.
I'm not proud to say that recently I have hurt many good friends, trying to hide who I am. Trying to cover up all the demons I face on a daily bases.
I try to hide the fact that I don't think Ill ever be loved, by anyone, in anyway. I try to not let it show.
And with hiding who I am, I have lied to those I love the most. Trying to keep them loving me. It's sad, it's wrong, I know it's not an excuse, but that's why I do what I do. I don't mean to hurt anyone.
I'm working on myself, trying to find a new light. Trying to find those who won't give up on me.
To those I've hurt, I am deeply sorry, and I only pray that you show me grace and mercy, like Jesus does. I know I don't deserve it. It's okay, I understand. I apologize deeply for any anger or pain I have caused, and I pray that I can make it up to you.
