Breakups are hard, and they can be unpredictable. They usually come out of the blue, but oftentimes, like the one I experienced, I knew something was wrong. I knew that I wasn't supposed to feel this way. And I knew that something wasn't right, and that's okay. I've learned so much through this process.
He came into my life at just the right time.
I was feeling so low, and he was the hero I was hoping for. He's attractive, he's smart, and he's funny. I prayed and I prayed for someone to come into my life, and he showed up. He said the right things, and soon enough, we started dating. Everything was great, I even got to meet his family, that's a huge step. I needed to open myself up to love, and it's not something that I should ever regret. His family is truly amazing, and things have changed, yes, but that doesn't mean that they're not good people, because they are. They're amazing people. And I opened myself up to love, and I got to meet some amazing people in the progress.
He was my teacher in many aspects.
He taught me to take chances. Without him teaching me to take chances, I never would've met him. He took a chance on me, and that within itself taught me that there are good people in the world, there are people that will take a chance on me, and those people will have a huge impact on my life. I'll love them even though things are over, and I'll always have a place in my heart for them. He taught me to not be scared to open up to people, and to let them in. I tend to think that people will judge me for things I can't change, but they won't, they're surprisingly accepting. He taught me that it's okay to be myself and that maybe (juuust maybe) people will like who I am too, so don't hide that.
It's going to hurt for a while (a looooong while) and that's okay.
When I'm into someone, I tend to give them my whole heart. I tend to love them to what I think is my fullest capacity. When this breakup happened, I tried to just... forget about it. I've been trying since it happened. Some days are great, and it feels like that "happy" feeling is coming back. Other days though... other days hurt. Like today. Nothing really happened today, but today was a hard day. I just miss knowing that he's thinking about me too, and missing me, and I think (I hope) that will get better with time. But for now, I have some Spotify playlists that sure are coming in handy for when I can't help but get sad. I've accepted that it's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry.
I have a huge support system.
With everything I have going on, I can be a lot when it comes to how I'm feeling. I'll let you in on a little secret... half the time, I don't even know what I'm feeling. Through this experience, I've learned how many people care about me. There have been so many people who go out of their way to check up on me and how I'm doing, and that means the world to me. Sometimes it just feels like the people that are "in my corner" aren't always there, so it can be refreshing to have people check in on me.
It's okay to want the best for him.
When people ask why I'm not mad at him, I'm not sure... they give me made up reasons to be mad. They give me bullshit excuses on why he broke up with me. I've learned that it's okay to want the best for him. At this point in my life, I want him to be unconditionally happy. I want him to find someone that never stops choosing him. I want so much for him to wake up happy every day. If he's truly happy, then I'll be happy for him. He deserves so much, and I'll never stop saying that... because it's true. If he finds someone that makes him happy, then I'll have no hard feelings, I'll just be happy for him. I just don't want to see him get hurt by anyone, because he doesn't deserve that. He has such a kind soul, he's so accepting, and for that, he truly deserves so much.
Someone will come along for me.
Gosh, that's weird to think about right now. As I'm writing this and wanting things back to the way they were a month ago, I know that I can't turn back time. I know that I can't turn back time and that this happened for a reason, but I'll get my chance. Someday. Sometime. It will come. I will get what I've dreamt about for years. I just need to be patient. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that somewhere there is a person who is waiting for me to come into their life. I just need to be patient and it will come.
I cannot force love.
I knew this before my twenties, but this really hit home when I found myself begging for him to stay when his heart was already elsewhere. This was a hard pill for me to swallow, but there is someone out there who will want me for me and who will never stop choosing me. My whole life has been about chasing love, but it's time to slow down. I'm in such a hurry to be with someone, that I've failed to love myself. I've failed to love myself in the way that I should be loved. I've failed myself in so many ways, and I now know... it's time to take a break from finding love, and let love come to me.
The most important person to love... is me.
Considering I've written this about six times now, and just... not finding the right words to say, I think I recognize myself. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to admit it, but if anything, this made me so much stronger. It's brought clarity to so many things. It made it clear what I need to make my priorities, and what I need to focus on the most. I need to get myself to a better place mentally. I need to take the time to realize what I want and what I deserve. I deserve so much more than I tell people. I know that deep down that I too deserve endless happiness and someone who chooses me every single day, and that will come. There will probably be more guys that come into my life. Granted, it won't be the same, but everyone I let into my life, I let into my life for a reason, and things will work out in the way in which they're supposed to. And for that, I am hopeful.
No one tells you that the healing process for a breakup when you're in your twenties will hurt just as much as when you're in your teens. No one tells you that you'll miss them every single day. No one tells you that although you weren't together for a long time, your relationship is still valid. My relationship was real, and when it ended... it hurt. And that's okay. And I will find happiness one day. And so will he. We both deserve to be happy. He's not a bad person, and I'm genuinely not mad. It will be okay.
