If elected, we can expect these amazing changes:
9. Multiple First Ladies
Let's face it, everyone knows Michelle Obama is just running our great country into the ground with her tyrannical health programs to force poisonous vegetables down the throats of our children. I happen to think the kids are beautiful at a plump 18% obesity. Not to mention her general appearance is ruining the morale of our nation. How dare she not have been a model at any point in her life? It only leads me to wonder what she thinks her job even is...
Now with The Donald, we can expect some first ladies that will make America proud! They'll fill the hearts of young American men with patriotism with their inspirational appearances.
Only more women to come, and like America (with Donald in charge), they'll only get better.
8. He'll prove that Money really CAN buy anything!
At some point in our lives, we've all wondered if the American Dream was just that, a silly pipe dream with zero real-life applicability (much like my recurring dream of being the first 5'5 Victoria's secret model!). Yet people like the villainous Barack Obama keep that dream alive with his humble beginnings. But with The Donald in that oval office, we can put such silly Horatio Alger tales to rest! After all, there is nothing humble about the great Trump. Son of real estate magnate Fred Trump (from whom he presumably learned everything), Donald lives in a different world from us plebeians.
The sacred office of President of the United States of America, a position shared by great forefathers like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (let's ignore the duds like William Henry Harrison) for whom anyone with a dream for a better America could run so long as they were a natural-born U.S citizen (Me and Donald are looking at you, Barack) will soon belong to Donald, who's only real qualifications are wealth and great hair (enough for me though). Capitalism is King (or President)! Your hard work means nothing in the face of a 10 Billion Dollar net worth. Give up any hopes that people get what they deserve in the end! Donald Trump will open our eyes to the truth that money can do anything by being the first president to ever openly buy the Presidency.
7. America is no longer #1?
It’s July 4th and the nation has collectively donned the colors of our great star-spangled banner, unique to the United States and literally no other country, chanting with nationalistic - I mean patriotic - pride, that unofficial motto which decorates countless hats, mugs, and foam fingers: AMERICA IS #1.
If only this were true. Did you know that (According to the CIA World Factbook) the United States is ranked only #41 in income inequality? Forty-one! You don’t even get a medal for that in the Olympics. (But thank goodness we're still #1 in Military Spending, so not all is lost) I don't even know if there are 41 countries in the world. Some might argue that this is a good thing. I don’t trust these liberal arts majors. The numbers are written in black: #41, and #41 is not as good as #1.
Shall we sit idly by while our great nation suffers a grave humiliation? Or shall we once again take history by the reins, Manifest our Destiny, and reclaim the Gold? Donald Trump, billionaire poster-boy of unrestrained capitalism, has the solution. Lower taxes! High taxation would stifle entrepreneurial spirit. Imagine a world where the rich isn’t disproportionately rewarded for being rich. I shudder at that thought. And Trump will help us get there.
6. The going gets rough, but Donald is rougher
Related to the previous point... There will undoubtedly be rough patches like Bankruptcy on the Road to Global #1-ness, but Trump has great experience with the b-word.
What do you really want in a man? Someone rich, someone with little to no commitment? That’s a positive trait, right? Have I got just the right candidate for you. You know who it is. Nothing shows commitment, nothing shows gumption and honest-to-God hard work like declaring bankruptcy four times
-1991, Trump’s Taj Mahal in Atlantic City
-1992, Trump Plaza Hotel in Atlantic City
-2004, Trump Hotels and Casinos Resorts
-2009, Trump Entertainment Resorts
The Donald is also quoted as saying "I do play with the bankruptcy laws--they're very good for me."
Wise words, from a wise man. What is good for him is good for America. Bankruptcy is fun. Have you ever experienced it? Trump has.
I cannot imagine a man more suited for the American people.
His time as President will further cement the iron-clad truth that real-life consequences often don't *actually* exist. See this fun game?
That's how he'll likely treat our country! Here’s a *free* life lesson for you kids: Consequences aren't real, and when they seem real, just sue the opposing party.
5. Can you even imagine the amazing Foreign policy?
How could we not have great foreign relations with our vast knowledge of world issues and just general eloquence?
4. Our Current Whitehouse sucks
Look at it... So drab, so boring! No wonder we're in a slump when one of our most iconic buildings looks like it was designed by a vagrant great depression architect.
Out with the old! In with:
MmmMmMmMmmM... so gorgeous! How a national building emblematic of the United States SHOULD look. Nice flashy colors to show how prosperous we are (despite 18 trillion and growing debt... but we don't care about that) and some great Trump branding that just stands for legitimacy and respectability world-wide! What could be better?
3. An improved Cabinet!
These are some current Cabinet members pictured with our current President...
I sense the wave of global respect and fear coming round the corner in 2016.
2. 'I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created'
To all the useless bozos:
In a manner much like his reference to God, I'm sure Trump will be able to make jobs out of nothing. Exactly HOW he will do this is a mystery (some magic in his hair??) but let us have faith! In many ways, Trump has the Midas touch, except instead of turning to gold, buildings have emblazoned his name.
After watching many of his speeches thus far (Arizona, Iowa, South Carolina, and many interviews) I have learned numerous charming anecdotes of how he stuck it to some low-lifes, but more importantly, that a detailed plan isn't so necessary. (Additionally, no one can say your plan won't work if you don't have one!) In America, as long as you say something publicly enough, people are bound to believe you! Just like the 5 Nigerian princes I've been financially supporting, I believe and trust Donald with my future. Praise the lor- I mean President Trump!
1. This
Sex, Money, Trump 4eva.
