As a child, Disney movies teach you that "happily ever after" is a realistic goal. Now that we know that is complete phooey, let's get on with the real lessons, shall we?
1. Developing Stockholm syndrome is completely acceptable.
You know, as long as you have a talking candlestick to keep you company. There is no better way to pass the time than by singing and dancing with the furniture, filled to the brim with the anticipation of your captor's return home to the castle.
2. When in doubt, sing it out.
You wish you had more thingamabobs in your underwater cavern? Sing about it. Do you know a guy named Vladimir who collects ceramic unicorns? Sing about it. Did you accidentally rub a golden gravy boat, and your every wish is being granted? Sing! And you may as well dance while you're at it.
3. Why live with one man when you could have seven?
Dwarfs, that is. And while they're all at work, you may as well take up the job of stay-at-home...bird whisperer? Yes, I can see that look of accusation in your eyes. Don't blame me, I didn't write the book.
4. Wild animals make fantastic pets.
Forget a hamster, I pick the tiger! C'mon, Rajah seemed perfectly tame... I promise he won't eat us all in the middle of the night. Plus, they are way more effective than a guard dog.
5. You will find true love, as soon as you change everything about yourself.
May as well throw in a giant pumpkin carriage to spice it up. That's a real ice breaker, am I right, boys?
6. On a similar note, it is completely normal for a guy to invade every single home in the land, glass stiletto in hand, in an effort to track you down.
He. Will. Find. You.
7. If a shady (or should I say shadowy?) man comes to your window in the middle of the night, run away with him.
Furthermore, if he tells you to trust him because he can fly, go ahead and jump off the ledge of your building. I'm sure this will end well.
8. Play dumb; boys don't like smart girls.
Are you incapable of speaking after losing your voice to a giant octopus, but need to communicate with the guy you've had your eye on? Don't bother writing—that is way too advanced. Play a game of charades instead. That's probably more fun anyway.
9. If you see a singing rabbit, you'd better follow him into a mysterious hole in the ground.
You can't miss this opportunity; singing flowers and murderous playing cards await! Afterwards, I'll refer you to the school's top drug and alcohol counselor.
Perhaps Disney movies are more of a "what not to do" demonstration. Now, excuse me while I scale this huge tower using only my hair.
