Recently, I saw an article discussing the 80/20 rule in relationships. No, this isn't the Pareto Principle (though I do feel that it's more applicable to relationships). If you do not know what the 80/20 rule of relationships is, here's the gist. It's the "rule" that says that in a generally healthy relationship, your partner will give you 80 percent of what you want. The second half of this rule is about the other 20 percent. This half of the rule states that you'll always want the 20 percent that you don't get, but you shouldn't go chasing it because you've already got a partner that is giving you 80 percent of what you want, and you'll only end up with a partner who gives you the "missing" 20 percent you've always searched for. Missing out of 20 percent of what you want in a relationship is a large percentage, I think.
I mean, OK, sure. I know that I am not going to get the full 100 percent of things that I would expect from my childhood "Prince Charming" ideas of a "perfect" boyfriend and relationship. Let's be real here, Prince Charming only exists in fairy tales, and Prince Charming should stay in fairy tales...But I that is another topic for another day. The point is, why would it be considered a "healthy" relationship if you're basically settling with a missing 20 percent from your partner? Why would anyone think that it is okay to only get 80 percent of what they want in a relationship? Call me an overachiever, but I strive for A's — 90 percent and up my friends.
The way that I see the 80/20 rule, is that you're okay with finding someone who will only make you happy 80 percent of the time. Why would I want to spend 20 percent of my relationship unhappy? I know, what you're thinking. "But you can't be 100 percent happy 100 percent of the time." Right . . . well, here's the thing, I might not be 100 percent happy 100 percent of the time, but I know that I will not let myself be unhappy even 1 percent of the time. "But when you argue and fight, are you happy?" Well, no. But I am not unhappy with my life, and it doesn't mean that I want to end my relationship.
Being unhappy is not simply the opposite of being happy. You can be not happy, but not be unhappy. For example, I am currently in what I'd consider a healthy relationship. Do we argue? Of course! We don't always see eye-to-eye, and we aren't always the best communicators. But do I stop loving him for a second just because were arguing about something that we'll get over by the end of the TV show? No. Am I happy while we are arguing? No, I am not happy. But I am frustrated, not unhappy. There isn't a lack of unhappiness in my relationship, just the presence of a new or contradictory emotion. But, the way that I see it, in a healthy relationship, happiness will overcome the negative emotions.
Okay, so back to the whole 80/20 thing, and not about happiness. It is argued that the 20 percent will be little qualities that "don't matter". Things like: being social when your partner is not, or not having the physical appearance that you always hoped he (or she) would have, getting upset that you like to go out to bars. These things are little things, yes. But they are things that can potentially turn into big things. When you are social, but your partner is not, it will be OK at first. Then what happens when three or four months in, things start to get boring on one side? They go searching for that 20 percent because they are losing their happiness. What about physical appearance? I don't think that physical appearance should necessarily matter in relationships, but there is always going to be a physical attraction. What happens when one side of the relationship starts to lose part of that? They go searching for their 20 percent. Finally, in a controlling relationship, one party may go in search of the 20 percent that listens to them, and the other may feel trapped.
Obviously, not all relationships are the same and yes, I know that different dynamics work with different personalities. But the point is that you shouldn't settle because some "rule" says that relationships will have 80 percent of what you want. I don't think that it healthy. Find someone who tries their hardest 100 percent of the time to give you what you need and what you want. Strive to be that person in the relationship that knows that they deserve to be happy 100 percent of the time, even if there is frustration at times. Find someone who will love you for you, including your past, present, future, and your flaws — all of them — because you are worth every ounce of it.
