We’ve all been here before. We’ve told ourselves we’re only devoting two hours to cleaning the entirety of our rooms and then the rest of the day is ours. I’m here to tell you to stop lying to yourself and start texting back your friends to cancel your plans. You’ve made a date with your room and I promise you’re going to spend the entire day cleaning only to turn this poorly estimated two-hour project into a two-day project. Among re-finding an old iPod, old clothes, and the second shoe to the matching pair (of course money is never one of these things), I always remind myself I talk to myself perhaps a bit too much and it’s incredibly easy to shift focus from one task to another.
1. Hmmm…Netflix or Spotify?
Background music, perfect. All I need to do is just grab my dead laptop and plug it in, wait for it to turn on, log in twice and wait for the slowest dinosaur alive to start up Spotify or Netflix. Ten minutes later, I’ll still be throwing clothes around trying to find my charger that is buried in the minefield somewhere…This overall half hour process is time-consuming because while I’m looking for my charger, I’ll typically find cramped school papers and take a moment to analyze thoroughly before crumpling them back up (only to pick them back up later on and commence a second analysis).
2. This smells clean…I think I only wore it twice…Just going to hang it up right there…
I should probably create some sort of walking path in my room after finally putting on some background noise. Just going to quickly harness the power of Moses and part this Red Sea right here…This is probably the hundredth time harnessing the power fails me, so I’ll just have to do it manually at this point. I’ll use maybe three or four hangers before grabbing a laundry basket and lazily throwing everything in there, deciding it’s the quickest way to clean up my floor. Let’s get real, half of these clothes will end up on the floor again tomorrow while I’m searching for an outf-- OH LOOK THERE’S THAT STUDY GUIDE I NEEDED THREE MONTHS AGO!
3. If I was the other shoe to this pair, where would I be?
Do I just close my eyes, spin in a circle, and throw my shoes across the room after I take them off? I don’t understand how one shoe will disappear from the other, honestly. Once I start this persistent mission of finding the other shoe, the rest of my room will be put on hold, and I’ll throw clothes stuffed on the floor in my closet to the other side of the room only to find the other shoe in the back of my closet. I’ve created a bigger mess, but at least my mission was a success.
4. Might as well take out the clothes in my drawer too…oh my God, THIS SHIRT FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL BETTER STILL FIT.
Because one mess just isn’t enough for me, obviously, and as the Queen of Procrastination, I’ll take any step I can to delay the job. It takes only the first drawer for me decide to throw my own fashion runway and try on everything I own, to make sure it still fits of course…even from middle school, because how do you get rid of something with an emotional attachment? Here’s the problem: even if a shirt doesn’t fit, I’ll find a second use for it (aka making another excuse to keep it). I could totally cut this up, upcycle and make it cute. From one procrastinator to another: close your eyes and throw it out. Just do it. Why else do you think you still have those shirts? Because you still haven’t let go of your emotional attachment to an intangible object and you need back up. Alright Trish, time to bring in reinforcements. MOOOOOOOM! BRING THE BLACK GARBAGE BAGS.
5. Wow I’m really hungry, I should eat...*takes a 2-hour break*
Okay, it’s been like an hour and I think I deserve a break. I’ll just turn on one episode of The Office on Netflix while I eat, it’ll be quick. No, it will not be quick. I assure you, four twenty-three minute episodes will pass by and you will find yourself watching more episodes while tucked in the bed that still has clothes and hangers on it.
6. OH MY GOD MY IPOD TOUCH FROM 9TH GRADE - I HAVE TO CHARGE THIS - OH MY GOD.
By the time I decide to get back to work, I’ve unlocked a treasure chest of my biggest listening guilty pleasures and obviously I need to dig around for a charger that is practically non-existent in the Apple world and the nearest headphones I can find in the officially now un-parted Red Sea. The earlier fashion show might have ended, but that doesn’t mean my 2pm concert is canceled. The emotional attachment to my middle school clothes cannot be compared to the emotional attachment to my old iPod touch. Pairing this beautiful discovery with letters from an ex-boyfriend and it’s time for the first scheduled crying session of the day. Oh my God, he looooooooved that song too! HELP I CAUGHT THE FEELS AND CAN’T GET UP. TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF! Okay, shake it off girl, shake it off, no one can see how ridiculous you look right now.
7. Ugh I’m so bored, I'll just tweet about cleaning my room..*scrolls* OH MY GOD CUTE PUPPY
Sure, that seemed like a good idea, but how on earth does anyone stay productive after scrolling through Twitter and finding adorable animal pictures and videos?! Hmm, I wonder what my dogs are up to…Let me just go find them…and take cute pictures and post them on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr….Oh my God, she has time to post on Instagram but she can’t even text me back, seriously? *screenshot* Caught. Send.
8. I’ll just do this tomorrow, honestly. I’m so tired, if I sleep now I’ll wake up early and finish.
*Pushes clothes off bed to floor* Hmm, I think I’ll watch The Office…until 4am.
