The results of the Massachusetts Primaries were disappointing to say the least. Trump won the Republican vote and Bernie didn't win the Democratic vote, which is a hard double thumbs down in my book. So, in an effort to humour away the very real fear that Donald trump might actually be president, I'm going to present eight things better than Trump. I'd also like to ask people not to take this too seriously, as I understand the ramifications of his election for people of colour, low income neighbourhoods, the LGBTQIA+ community, and basically everyone who isn't a rich white man. Sometimes we all need to laugh though, so here you go.
1. Blinding hangovers.
That feeling of dizziness and nausea, that dry, hollow thumping in your head, and that angry dragon in your stomach. Yes, even when you think your eyes might fall out, this hangover is better for you than Donald Trump.
2. 8 a.m. classes EVERY SINGLE DAY, until the end of forever.
That horror you feel when your early morning class rolls around? That insipid alarm that makes you get out of your warm bed and head off for hours of learning long before a decent hour? Yes, all of these things are infinitely preferable to a Trump Term.
3. Ant Infestations.
Creepy, crawly, biting ants that cover every conceivable surface in your kitchen, and get right in your pants. Are they better? Yes.
4. Missing the bus.
Noooooo! Don't drive away bus, leaving me stranded for what seems like an infinite number of hours until the next bus rolls around! Yes, that sinking feeling you get as you run full tilt carrying heavy bags, like a dork, only to see said bus zoom off. Trust me, it's better. I am officially offering to miss all buses for the rest of time to keep Trump out. I can sign?
5. When your phone dies.
Self explanatory really. You need a map or to SnapChat a dog being adorable but no, your phone dies in your hand. Now? Well, now you have to talk to people or if you're in the library, you have to actually do work. No thank you.
6. College Wi-fi.
I'll take a lifetime of slow, difficult to set up wifi over Trump Nation. Probably the most difficult promise I'd ever make, but I'll do it. Hours of connections drops, slow bandwith, and random tantrums, sign me up.
7. The cost of college.
College is ridiculously expensive. I'm not even thirty and I am in crippling debt. And I'm one of the lucky people who can attend college. I might have to sell a kidney on Ebay to pay off my loans, but it's better than Trump. Imagine what Trump will do to Financial Aid if he is elected....
8. FINALS.
Finals week forever, is it better? Yes. Just imagine it. The stress and the lack of sleep. The end of finals delirium. Is it morning or night? Have I slept through finals? The panic, the horror, the pain! It's better than Donald Trump. Oh dear.
Let's avoid all this unpleasantness, and simply ensure that Trump doesn't win. Get out there and spread the word. Whatever it takes, because I don't want a wall built between us and Mexico, and I certainly don't want a man in a toupee telling me what I can and can't do with my vagina. Let's all laugh away some stress, but remember that it's a serious matter at the end of the day so do what you can to keep the future bright.
