Uh, women... amirite? Can't live with them, can't live without them. What are they thinking? What's in their heads? Why didn't they respond to the surprise dick pic I texted them? Do they have any idea how artfully I wrapped my fingers around my schlong before snapping that pic?

Yes. Women are Complicated™. They are so complicated, in fact, that to this day, the questions of men remain unanswered:

Where is the clitoris? How do I wrangle a Woman (and what type of lasso do I use)? How do I snip off some of her hair without her noticing?

Well, fear not, my dude, my bro, my home skillet who's gonna kill it. Your Numero Uno wing-woman is here to guide you.

I firmly believe we should always start with where we should not ever start. Thus, here is my list: 8 signs she likely is NOT (emphasis on not) picking up what you're putting down.

1. She is running in the opposite direction.

Slam on those breaks, friend. This track star doesn't want the baton you're trying to pass off.

2. She has not, once, taken her headphones off during your entire conversation.

You're starting to wonder if she can even hear you through those things! Here you are, trying to be romantic. You ask her if she's listening to the Smiths or the David Matthew Band.

Well, here's the answer from a girl who's used some headphones in her day: she can't hear you. Believe it or not, that's the point. I know, no need to thank me, I know what it's like to be a woman.

3. Every time you try kissing her, she stops you and says, "I am gay."

Fool, she likes females! Ya, dig?

4. Every time you try to speak, she plays ukulele and sings over you.

"Hey, real quick, could I just grab--?"

"F IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER!"

"Oh, wow, you're really talented. Hey, um--"

"'U' IS FOR 'U AND ME'!"

"C'mon, girl, lemme get yo--"

"'N' IS FOR ANYWHERE AND ANY TIME--AT ALL!--DOWN HERE IN THE DEEEP BLUUUEEE SEEEEEEEEAAAA."

5. She is a horse.

You hear that unmistakable, stiletto-indicating clip-clop. Not wanting to seem desperate, you keep having a casual conversation with your bro. Your hands are sweating. The sound is getting nearer. Finally, it's time to look, discretely, subtly. You turn, preparing to look, first, at the feet then let your gaze trail up.

What in hell? Are those hooves--?

6. She won't stop making out with that guy she brought along.

This is a good sign she's not into you. I've observed many devil's threeway dates, and never ONCE has she turned around and started making out with the third dude. This may just be anecdotal evidence but...I think I'm onto something.

7. She won't stop talking about the grant proposal you're both supposed to be working on.

It's like, a guy's just tryna get it.

But she's like, "This is inappropriate, Stan. We're business partners. Please keep your limbs to yourself."

Sometimes we just can't win in this world.

8. Every time you see her, she's hitting you with this look:

Deep in your heart, you know: It's too savage. There's no love there. No life. No affection. Look at her face, and see the truth looking back at you.

Well, that's all I got, dude-bro. My main man. Champ. Hope I helped you, fella ;)