Nothing says "Ahh! What a great election year!" quite like turning on the news to see the most recent outrageous statement made by whichever presidential candidate you hate most. For me, it is the most joy I experience most days, giving me reasons to snidely comment on the Facebook posts of people I have never met in person. Yes, there is nothing truly like an election year.
Eventually, however, a responsible American must decide for him or herself who is the best candidate for the highest office in the USA. This is why I am making an endorsement.
I am endorsing this raw chicken fillet for president, and I hope you find my reasons compelling.
1. We have never had a poultry president.
If you are a true American, you try anything once. The fact of literally every matter is that if something hasn't been done before, it must be done immediately without regard to any other qualifications. We finally have the opportunity to have a president who is actually just part of a dead bird. This will be a historic presidency, to say the least.
2. Chicken fillets can't use a paper shredder.
No need to worry about governmental corruption with this fine piece of flesh. Chicken fillets, since the dawn of time, have been incapable of operating paper shredders, deleting emails, tampering with computers or anything else that is strangely convenient in the middle of a federal investigation. Nothing here but the cold, slimy truth.
3. Doesn't want to date its own daughter.
This day and age, there are all kinds of crazies out there who say uncomfortable things in front of cameras, like suggesting that their offspring would be a good potential mate when they could simply say, "I think my daughter is beautiful." This chicken fillet has no creepy tendencies with its children, even though the chicken's kids are some pretty hot "chicks."
4. Never changed its political affiliation.
Politicians these days are so wishy-washy, changing parties when they see fit, completely reversing opinions on social issues and denying it at every turn, or slandering and mocking political opponents they had endorsed and financially supported just a few years prior. The same can not be said for our translucent candidate. This chicken fillet has been consistent in its positions, never feeling the need to repackage itself.
5. Never declared bankruptcy.
If there is one thing you can say about a raw chicken fillet, it is that it has never failed fiscally. Those of you out there who value a president with economic savvy can rest at ease knowing that this candidate has never declared bankruptcy, started a fake college as a scam or exploited tax loopholes.
6. Never voted for a foreign war.
This piece of meat is either a big fan of diplomacy or a true pacifist, because it has never once voted for U.S. involvement in a foreign war that does nothing to make this nation more secure. It's not a matter of "chickening out." This fillet is ready to do what it takes to give peace a chance.
7. Accepting of all cultures.
Xenophobia, transphobia, homophobia, arachnophobia, agoraphobia, etc. None of these apply here. Our tender contender will not let fear dictate the future of this country. It has a long history of doing absolutely nothing except being packaged on a foam tray wrapped in plastic, which I know is as much a comfort to you as it is to me and my family.
8. No "half-baked" schemes.
The schemes of this dead hunk of bird muscle are by no means half-baked. They are also not fully baked. They are not baked at all. Perhaps this fresh new candidate can take America into a new age of realness, or perhaps it is better to say, "rawness."
#ChickenFillet2016
