Recently, I began realizing that I am myself over being someone else's. I started seeing what was wrong in my life, along with the causes and the effects. Being in a toxic relationship often makes people feel trapped. Everyone who has never been in an abusive or toxic relationship always try to figure out why someone would stay with someone so horrible to them, but they don't realize everything that happens behind closed doors - the manipulation, threats, and lies. It's not always as simple as they think.
1. Different. He had never acted out in the months that I knew him. Everyone loved him and thought that he was perfect, including me. I assumed he was just stressed or upset, hoping that it would all pass, but months later, nothing had changed. I started thinking that this was all my fault, that I messed up somewhere and was the cause of his personality change.
2. Age Difference. He was two and a half years older than me. I assumed that this meant he knew more and was more mature, like he claimed. This was completely wrong. He acted like he was right about everything, saying that I would never understand because I am not old enough.
3. Guilt. He would constantly shower me in gifts on his good days. CDs, shoes, food, dates, books, concert tickets.. You name it, he probably would give it to me. When I would try to leave, he would always bring this up. "How could you leave me when I bought x for you?" "How could you leave after we went to x together?"
4. Gas Lighting and Reversing the Roles. He would often say that the abusive and manipulative things that I recognized never happened, or that I had done them, not him. Gas lighting is making someone question themselves, or even their sanity. He would tell me that I was just making things up, that I was crazy, or "screwed up." Any time I chose to point out that what he was doing was abusive or not okay, he would say it was the opposite. He would try to justify his actions when he did not blame me. He thought that he had good reasons to treat me poorly.
5. I Didn't Know. I had never been in a serious relationship before. I thought this was normal. Showing up at my house randomly, staying outside my house for an hour, constantly checking my phone, asking for my passwords, making me block people, isolating me from my family and friends. I was convinced that this meant that I was committed to our relationship, like he told me. It sounds ridiculous, but when you are a sixteen-year-old girl who has never even been on a real date with anyone, this isn't something you know how to deal with.
6. Threats. One of the top signs of an abusive and/or toxic relationship. "If you leave, I will kill myself." "If you leave, I will x." Why would anyone want to take that chance? It is terrifying to know that someone would even threaten to do this. You think it all over and, obviously, you are going to stay. If you know this person like you think you do, most of the time you know that they would actually do this, especially if your partner has a past of mental illness. I could not risk letting them come to my house and harming themselves, my family, or myself. Everything was like walking on eggshells.
I remember receiving an innocent snapchat from a close friend of mine, who is a guy, and that set him off. He threatened to go to his house and harm him. He forced me to send my friend a message saying that I am not allowed to talk or hangout with him and my other friends anymore.
7. Embarrassment. My friends had told me to stop going back, to end things, to just stop holding on. This was before I became isolated and didn't talk to anyone anymore. I didn't want to go back to them just for support or just because I didn't have him anymore. I felt like no one understood. I did not want to hear the "I Told You So" speech. I was scared of not having any support.
8. No Confidence. My self esteem was non-existent before dating my abusive partner. They built me up for months until they tore me down. I was beautiful and special, but then I was worthless. I was intelligent and funny, but then I was stupid and needed to be quiet. He was lucky to have me, but then it became "no one else will ever love you." In the end, he only cared to tell me how I lost the one person who will ever care or love me unconditionally.
With the help of friends, family, and God, I am no longer involved with this person. This two year long experience has molded the way that I see and think. It will probably be this way for a long time. I never realized how bad my relationship was until I spent hours on the phone with the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The advocate who spoke to me made me feel safe and gave me plenty of options to begin my emotional recovery. Thanks to this advocate, I have branched out and have started speaking about domestic violence.
Please know that it is never too late to reach out to someone to get help. There are people who are available 24/7 at +1 800-799-7233.
