We’ve all done it, the thing we hope nobody saw and wish never happened in the first place. The actions so cringe-worthy, it hurts to just think about. If we had another chance at life, we’d make sure we would never come close to doing it again. There are mistakes that you learn from, and mistakes you wish to forget. In my many years on this planet, I’ve done things right, but here are the eight things I did terribly, terribly wrong.
1. Waved to a little girl that looked like my cousin
She was in the car, smiling and waving. She looked like my cousin, she had the dimples. So I waved back. She stopped waving, her smile vanished, she started to cry. It was an innocent gesture, I tried to explain to her Mom, but she wasn't having it. She said people don't wave to little girls, little girls don't talk to strangers. I told her the girl looked like my cousin. She told me I'm a creep. So, I decided to show her what a creep really looked like. I followed them home and found out where they lived. I decided to get the girl a gift she'd never forget. I went to Toys R Us and bought a stuffed giraffe. Turned out the girl hates giraffes and now I'm not allowed in a large part of Wallingford.
2. Made a toast
I am a master speaker. I can play your heart strings like a violin, jerk your tears like an elementary school bully, or make you laugh on demand like Comcast. My cousins Milo and Janis had a beautiful wedding reception, and I made an excellent toast. I had thought the guest list had seemed young, but brushed it off because I hadn't seen Milo in ten years, and some people age really well. Unfortunately Benny the Bar Mitzvah boy didn't know who Milo and Janis were, and his parents hired security for the event, so I got kicked out. They had good food, but it wasn't even worth it because I didn't see him get lifted on the chair or yell L'chaim.
3. Laughed at my uncles' inappropriate joke.
Let's be clear, it wasn't funny. Of all crude and uncomfortable sex related jokes, this was easily the mother of them all. It had everything you hope there isn't, graphic imagery, the wrong victim, a family gathering. If I could have died without hearing the joke, I might have made it to heaven, but after that, there's no way in hell. Once it was told, I thought that laughing would make the situation a little less uncomfortable, and, in all honesty, it worked. Unfortunately, it turned out I had just been practice for his big performance in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. My whole family's going to hell and I'm to blame, and they know it. After the entire table had gone painfully silent and my Uncle realized it hadn't gone over well, he said, “When I told Eli, he thought it was hilarious.” I hope he dies soon and leaves me out of the will.
4. Went to the restaurant where the waiter wears sandals
Feet aren’t appetizing. He tried to explain just how comfortable his Chaco’s were. I told him to wear closed toe shoes because his toe nails were entirely fungus. Because of him, everything about the meal ended up tasting like feet, even the water. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what it tasted like, I've definitely never tasted feet before.
5. Drafted Teddy for coach pitch
Teddy couldn’t hit, he couldn’t throw, he couldn’t catch, and he cried when he couldn’t see his mom. All around it was a terrible draft choice. I should have gotten Vince. Sure, he dropped trou' on second base a few times, but a little wang never stopped a baseball game. Teddy did though, Teddy's was a terrible pick.
6. Broke a British law
Honestly, this wasn’t that bad of a decision, it just had some pretty bad repercussions. A heads up, breaking Jude Law anywhere is still a crime everywhere.
7. Read Dr. Seuss
Alright, to be fair, technically it was by Dr. Seuss PHD. I thought nothing of it because, you know, PHD's are doctors and everything. Turns out it's a completely different person. I guess it was my fault for not reading the title though. Horton Hears a Hoe was not the book I was looking for.
8. Mistook a female deer with a deep voice for John Doe
John Doe has been missing for ages, so when I finally thought I found him, I was naturally excited. Unfortunately, instead of a reward for finding a missing person, I was fined for animal abuse.
As Hannah Montana says, everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days. She's right, nobody's perfect, we've got to work it again and again until we get it right. Hopefully this list will help you save some time and you can make other, better mistakes. Maybe you can break J Law or draft Kenny and see what happens, he looks like he lost some weight and I heard he hit a growth spurt.
